dusk at disney

we sit there, having finished our meal
me pressed to your side, people watching
we quietly observe the tired families who pass us
pushing on to make their time
their money
well spent.
your arm is draped over my shoulder, casually.
im peaceful. im happy.
“are you gonna be devastated when i leave?” he asks,
i pause, holding my breath, pressing my lips hard together to keep from blurting out my truth.
“im really worried about you that’s why…” he says, filling the silence i created, as he leans in to kiss the side of my head.
“i dunnoooo… i mean, what do you think? .. are you going to be? devastated i mean?” i shift away from him so i can turn to see his face.
“yeah, i’ll be a lil’ devastated” he shrugs.
“i just.. i dunno. i don’t do well with change– well no one does i guess. but i’m a creature of habit. i like plans. this will just shift… things. im afraid of the unknown.”
“yeah i know”
“i mean… i could fly mostly Pheonix. i like it. it’s good credit.. and i could visit. but is that what you’d want?”
“yeah of course!”
“but i don’t want you to feel obligated to see me, just because i’m flying there. i don’t want to be an obligation.”
“no. you won’t be.. but you have to understand, studying is studying. that’s a non-negotiable. after those first 9 months of school, i’ll have more flexibility”
“i get that…” i nod slowly, reassuring him of my being on the same page, “yeah. i get it.” i reaffirm, giving a final, concise nod, as if my chin was a firm handshake agreeing to these terms.
i lean back into him as we resume our people watching, letting our words sink in
” i just need you to know though..” i begin, looking down at my lap, “this,” i draw a circle widely with my hand in the space before me, “whatever this is… it’s important to me… you know?” i turn to face him again, to make sure he understands.
my eyes flit acros
the weight.
the power he holds.
his eyes shrink to mischievous slits, “oh? this isnt just fun for you?” he smirks.
i nervously laugh, “no. you know it isn’t. not for me. for you?”
he stops smiling, “no. its not.”
“ok. good.” i nod.

its not ground breaking
but its a start.

actions speak louder

im told talk is cheap,
& maybe im asking way too many questions
filling up the space with them
suffocating you with them.

if i just sit quietly
& feel you brushing my hair back from my forehead for the thousandth time today
& realize im the only girl in this room
the girl you’ve chosen to share this sacred space with
i’d have my answers.

so eyes,
dont give it away.
dont let them tumble out
& ruin the moment.
because there’s only so much room here,
& i dont want to fill that space with tough questions.
id much rather fill it with you
resting peacefully next to me.

closed til spring

lock me up in a room
you bring the guac & sardines
i’ll provide the netflix & popcorn
i want to hole up for winter
secluded until spring
disappear from the inquisitive looks
& probing texts
so i can figure this out.

give me your time
your most bare & honest self
i promise i wont put on a spot of makeup
if you promise to never stop singing in the shower
so i can figure you out.

show me your crazy
narrate your adventures
run your fingers along my scars
& ask me how i got them
let me burrow my face into your chest
and press my body along your side
for as long as it takes
so i can figure us out.

wear me out
wear me down
fast forward through the excitement
& the thrill
i want it all at once
so i can know
so you can know
if the first step is worth it.

post-it

consider this:
would you prefer a man who readily misses you,
says it, no-holds-barred,
but may not know the weight of it?

or..

a man who measures out his thoughts,
his words,
& the implications it may have on your world,
& although he may not mean it [yet..]
will say it because he knows the weight it carries to you?
because your world shifts slightly when he says it
it means more.. by meaning less.. if that’s even possible.

a man who says it to make you happy.
because even if it doesnt come naturally to him,
its what he’ll do. for you.

a few months from now,
this entire note may read as a red flag
disguised as hope.
we’ll just have to wait..
will the other shoe ever drop?
how long will you wait to see?

Portion Control

i dont live in moderation
hell i dont eat in moderation.
i dont just have cake & eat it too
i steal bites out of cupcakes in one hand,
& potato chips in another.
because i cant decide between salty or sweet
& life is just better being able to indulge in both tastebud sensations

being around you
im learning
to take smaller bites
& savor the sweetness
before reaching for a second helping

i dont live in the grey
but with you
im learning
that there are so many distinct variations
that get you from black to white

i dont know restraint
but im learning to not push
to not plunge
because one of us will eventually break
& when that happens
there will be no more mystery in grey corners
& allure of forbidden chocolate
we’ll have crossed the line
& there will only be black, white,
& sticky guilty fingers left.

63360

we take an inch
& my head spins for miles
the playful arm lock to keep me laying in bed
the running your fingertips up and down the curve of my hips
you want miles,
[at least i think you do]
but we only take an inch.
bite-size
miniature
itty-bitty pieces
so that the guilt is tolerable.
[at least for me]
but my head is running marathons
giant strides
with a steady endurance
to places that make me question every quip
every smart ass remark
every quick “night” without the grand gesture
every day that creeps by for me to check off to know if asking if you miss me is appropriate

my appetite is satiated with the inch
but my head never is.

sermon

i am far from a good christian
i still feel weird about stating a religious preference
because religions get a bad rap
& their followers are the worst.

i hold the agnostic card in my back pocket when im cornered
to play neutral when questions get too tough
& prayers get too touchy feely
as I gaze at my meal with head bowed.

but once i met you
something changed
as cliche & cheesy as that sounds.
maybe it was timing
i reached a point where agnosticism wasnt giving me enough
at the end of the day

maybe you can call that His work
or atheists call it luck
but something changed
& theres a yearning
a craving
for more.
im not wholly convinced yet
but its a start.
with the questions
& the discussions
& the links to video sermons
that make me feel a little less lost.

& maybe the intent has other motives
but isnt that the covert way He makes things work sometimes?
i cant speak for anyone else’s plan but my own
so for right now,
hearing you talk
about living a righteous life
is enough.

checked out

im kind of not so great at this
im better with the grand fights
& unceremonious burning of letters
& trashing of old boxers, tshirts, socks

but to methodically gather your belongings
after a calm laying out of what ive been contemplating for months
& to both agree to disagree, that we’d be happier as individuals than as a couple
…is a lot harder.

im better at listing
all the petty grievances ive mentally filed over the years
& ingesting a daily dose of it to stay angry
keep my edge
fuel my hate

but to accept this change
& do as grownups do
makes me feel empty.
& so very tired
now comes the anxious waiting
to see if, & how, we navigate this foreign territory
& see who will drop the pretenses of a “good ex” first
we shall see

sign reading

me, in my white gown
beside myself with excitement
to reveal myself,
to give myself away to you
for the first & last time.

you, in your black & white
consumed by distraction
that will ruin the vision,
sets a precedence for our future.
an iPhone game captivates you
more than i ever will.

when i peruse through “first look” wedding day photos,
this is what i see of our own.
i play it over & over in my head
& know i am nullified.
i ask myself why,
if that’s what the cards hold,
im still here.

the future freaks me out

maybe im just overly dramatic
& am exaggerating this sudden complacency on both ends
but i feel like it was too easy to come to this
& too much to sacrifice to make it work.

you’d need to grant me the moon & the stars
the unconditional love & happiness,
if i were to meet your conditions,
& sign on the dotted line.
but i dont think you will.
i dont think you’re capable of it.
its a lifestyle
its a trade.
the way i see myself living for the rest of my life… for yours.
its a life i dont see for myself.

& i know,
being pushed out of your comfort zone is supposedly a good thing,
but how much should one have to be pushed,
before its no longer even your zone at all?
its a whole other field entirely?
doesn’t too much pushing just make for a pushy partner?

i dont want kids.
at least, i dont think i do.
& i could go into the why’s, & the ways i could work around it…
but in the end, my indecision could cost us this relationship.
i didnt know i had a deadline for figuring my shit out.
at least, i didn’t know i had to work on a timeline other than my own.