missing people easily isn’t natural for him
& now that i think about it,
it isn’t for me too.

i’ve had boyfriends go on
long family vacations
even deployments
& they’d have to pull the words out of me
“don’t you miss me yet?” they’d ask.
i’d say it because..
you’re supposed to say it.
but it was usually such a relief to have them away
it told me i could be fine without
which i thought was just because i’m reasonable
independent
just slightly emotionally detached.

but with you,
i’m afraid
i may be at the mercy of my feelings
i’m terrified
i may fall apart when you leave.
& the ache will be a throbbing never ending feeling
that can’t be satiated with texts
& quick layover visits
& facetime
& alexa drop-ins

& you’ll think to yourself,
this girl just feels too much
& assume that this is my M.O when people leave me,

but it’s as if my heart just reserved all this,
just for you.

heart pursuit

fact: i’ve never actively pursued anyone before,
unless you count the 7th grade.
i bought one of those fake fundraising roses
& gave it to my 8th grade crush.
“crush” is an appropriate adjective,
for after i left he properly mocked me in front of his friends
& threw it in the trash.

i never considered myself closed off,
but i definitely wised up real fast.
my heart was no longer visible on my sleeve,
a gleaming badge asking to be stolen.
instead.. it was stitched carefully into the inside of the cuff
so i could finger the seams discretely,
reassuring myself it’s still there.

with you,
somehow its made its way to the outside world.
& its a scary place.

“i’d say… we’re talking” you answer.
the answer to my endless amount of loving probes
bubbling over questions
and i feel like i cornered you
but i also feel victorious
& wonder if somehow i’m gonna pay for this error later.

you should know,
in case i’ve permanently killed this with my big
inquiring
label demanding
mouth

i absolutely adore you.

i’ve never thought so highly of a person i’m interested in… ever.

because: i’ve never pursued anyone before.
i’ve never taken the time to grow to appreciate someone,
from a distance.
this is not a lip-locked, nose-touching-nose,
“i like your freckles” kind of adore

you know the kind where you’re so caught up
in being caught up
that you don’t see the details

all those glaringly bright, red, details.

this is me adoring you
from seeing you as a friend
a coworker
a son
& falling slowly each & every time
you carefully peel a layer away.
it’s painfully slow
excruciatingly hard
but it’s all in the details.

i want you to know,
i only pushed,
because i don’t want to lose you
being in limbo sometimes makes me feel like im drowning
so every so often, i need confirmation
affirmation
a buoy in the distance that signals land is near,
& a lifeline to hang onto.

just know that,
you are important to me.

a letter to my brother

dear big brother,

so this is an unorganized ramble.. sans alcohol so.. i don’t have a good excuse for its state.

i’ve reread your letter over & over again
on days im unsure of the person i’m left with post-breakup
& on days i just want the satisfaction of seeing him called “Mr. Potatohead” on the internet.

there are some things ive learned about myself
given some time & space from it all
& i figure,
like a good patient reporting back to their therapist
asking for clearance to return to society,
i should write this to let you know.

i’ve come to realize i have more squishy bags than i thought
things that im willing to bend
with no resentment
things i dont see as a sacrifice
for the right person.
things that i used to consider non-negotiables like:
getting on a roller coaster
being called “baby” or “babe”
committing to temporary long distance
these are things that if i see myself long-term with someone,
a person who is throwing his squishy stuff into the space as well
& doesn’t mind the chaos of the bending & mushing of personals
id be happy to adjust for.
they’re equal sacrifices.

& my hard surfaces have only become more pronounced
post-breakup with Mr. Potatohead
things that were mislabeled
mistaken
to be belongings that weren’t near & dear to my heart
so they were shoved into the attic with no sensitivity
no gentleness
to collect dust & become forgotten items for another time.
things like:
my introverted tendencies
my desire to have a marriage possibly without kids in the picture
my faith
my need for plans/schedules/consistency
my family
my love language of acts of service.

maybe its my fault for misrepresenting the value of these things.
maybe i did in fact deceive him,
playing it off as easy-going, & out-going
doesn’t everyone put their best foot forward when they get to know someone?

& maybe it’s my fault for letting my values be treated so insignificantly

but i also dont think a good person
a truly good person,
someone who loves you
& wants to build a life with you,
would bulldoze you like that.

it plays out in my head like this:
early on he realized there’s finite space available,
after quickly assessing the ratio & significance of his stuff vs mine
[because engineers are good at calculating stuff like that]
without hesitation, he slipped on his noise-canceling headphones
& went to town with a sledgehammer on my luggage
unable to hear the shattering, of all that makes me– me.

so counselor,
i have to object to your closing remarks.
because there was no shattering of tiny unfulfilling cups,
or breaking of roller-boards on my part.
i never partook in the crime myself.
maybe for lack of strength.
maybe for grace & better up-bringing — who knows.

i can say i am grateful though
for the perspective
for the time to account for all my belongings again
for the thrill of the possibility
of finding someone who stops & points at my hard-cased Travelpro,
& simply smiles & says, “hey! i have one just like that.  Where’d you get it from?”
& i now have the capacity to take the time to tell them.

love you.

-your lil sis

photo credit: image taken from huffingtonpost.comsometimes,
i’m lucky enough to witness
passengers who instinctively interlock hands
when the engines start to roar
& the exhilaration pumps through
when the metal bird seems to shudder with excitement
it’s all the more adorable when it’s an elderly couple
she’s gazing out the window
he’s flipping through the inflight magazine
& in that same moment they reach blindly for each other
& give the others hand a little squeeze
it’s alright, we’re almost there say the fingers to one another.
one’s wrinkles blend into the others
one’s sun spotted skin becomes the others

if I had to leave this earth
trapped in this metal bird
I’d like my body to be found with my fingers entwined with my love’s
just like that.