missing people easily isn’t natural for him
& now that i think about it,
it isn’t for me too.
i’ve had boyfriends go on
long family vacations
& they’d have to pull the words out of me
“don’t you miss me yet?” they’d ask.
i’d say it because..
you’re supposed to say it.
but it was usually such a relief to have them away
it told me i could be fine without
which i thought was just because i’m reasonable
just slightly emotionally detached.
but with you,
i may be at the mercy of my feelings
i may fall apart when you leave.
& the ache will be a throbbing never ending feeling
that can’t be satiated with texts
& quick layover visits
& alexa drop-ins
& you’ll think to yourself,
this girl just feels too much
& assume that this is my M.O when people leave me,
but it’s as if my heart just reserved all this,
just for you.
i love that we share inside jokes
& subtle ways of showing affection
it gives me a sense of exclusivity
even if the world doesn't know what to make of us yet.
"Note to self: Always remember how lucky you are to wake up next to someone who thinks you're the shit."
lock me up in a room
you bring the guac & sardines
i’ll provide the netflix & popcorn
i want to hole up for winter
secluded until spring
disappear from the inquisitive looks
& probing texts
so i can figure this out.
give me your time
your most bare & honest self
i promise i wont put on a spot of makeup
if you promise to never stop singing in the shower
so i can figure you out.
show me your crazy
narrate your adventures
run your fingers along my scars
& ask me how i got them
let me burrow my face into your chest
and press my body along your side
for as long as it takes
so i can figure us out.
wear me out
wear me down
fast forward through the excitement
& the thrill
i want it all at once
so i can know
so you can know
if the first step is worth it.
i am far from a good christian
i still feel weird about stating a religious preference
because religions get a bad rap
& their followers are the worst.
i hold the agnostic card in my back pocket when im cornered
to play neutral when questions get too tough
& prayers get too touchy feely
as I gaze at my meal with head bowed.
but once i met you
as cliche & cheesy as that sounds.
maybe it was timing
i reached a point where agnosticism wasnt giving me enough
at the end of the day
maybe you can call that His work
or atheists call it luck
but something changed
& theres a yearning
im not wholly convinced yet
but its a start.
with the questions
& the discussions
& the links to video sermons
that make me feel a little less lost.
& maybe the intent has other motives
but isnt that the covert way He makes things work sometimes?
i cant speak for anyone else’s plan but my own
so for right now,
hearing you talk
about living a righteous life
me: so you know that song that comes on at around five in the morning when you’re driving me home?
him: what song?
me: the one that goes like… im indifferent.. i just want to break up out of here..
him: *laughs* yeah what about it?
me: i hate that song
him: oh my god. i LOVE that song! i have it on repeat at work
& so on & so forth
its about taste in music
to opinions on gun carrying laws
to private vs public school
to whether or not we should have kids
& everything in between
im just hoping our opposition on the spectrum
will eventually keep us from being at odds
& instead bring us side by side
two conflicting colors
that as additives bring out hues & vividness ordinarily lost
im kind of not so great at this
im better with the grand fights
& unceremonious burning of letters
& trashing of old boxers, tshirts, socks
but to methodically gather your belongings
after a calm laying out of what ive been contemplating for months
& to both agree to disagree, that we’d be happier as individuals than as a couple
…is a lot harder.
im better at listing
all the petty grievances ive mentally filed over the years
& ingesting a daily dose of it to stay angry
keep my edge
fuel my hate
but to accept this change
& do as grownups do
makes me feel empty.
& so very tired
now comes the anxious waiting
to see if, & how, we navigate this foreign territory
& see who will drop the pretenses of a “good ex” first
we shall see
lets let it go unspoken
because the timid poking & prodding
prefaced with, “i dont want this to turn into an argument”
never prevents it from turning into one nonetheless.
or into subdued silence.
the latter at least plays decoy for the argument raging on in my head
& the voice cast as you at least commits to listening
& compromising.. a little.
lets be real here. its still you
just my imagined, toned down version of you.
because id rather reluctantly come to terms on my own
with the fact that anything you say you’ll try to do,
or hope to do,
to assuage my anger
will only deal me unbidden disappointment in the future.
no, id rather not.
so instead i’ll seek solace in the quiet foxhole we’ve dug ourselves into
out of the direct line of fire
but not out of the war.
in the first flush,
i tend to burn brightly
with a ravenous hunger for the new
& just as quickly,
into a subdued
the kind of hushed light
that becomes so small,
that one would barely even notice.
like a steady
a comfort for its presence
but void of any real warmth.
& i can never remember,
at what point i let my flame
become a $1.97 glass Made in China bulb.
Sometimes i wonder if my career will eventually desensitize me to my love of traveling
living day to day in different cities
“the world must seem so much smaller to you now huh?” i was asked
“actually, it feels so much bigger. i visit cities i’d never thought i’d want to visit in a lifetime” i replied.
but i think i miss,
the way traveling was a luxury
even an anxiety
the way airports gave me goosebumps
& i would savor the experience,
even down to the prepackaged nuts
because i wouldn’t know when the next time i’d enjoy them would be.
i listen in on pockets of eager early morning conversations in line at the airport Starbucks
lusting over all the excursions they’re going to embark on once they land,
or reminiscing about all the experiences they’ve just had as they head back home.
sometimes i witness the travel bug symptom of guests being extra nice to each other
because they know their prepaid vacation’s outcome hangs in the balance of getting along with their siblings, their seat neighbor, their husband or wife… & no one wants moods soured over something so trivial in the grand scheme of Disneyland, NY Times Square, or some other highly sought destination.
self, dont let this routine take away the wonderment of exploring
having a mutual enemy
makes us mutual friends
don’t you see? she asks.
although i swear months before,
i was the enemy she spoke of.
we are not mutually exclusive to who we detest
& we can join, & disband any campaign of our choosing
the difference is,
i was not your friend,
so it was ok to wrong me.
she, in fact, was your friend,
so her wrong doings are unforgivable.
& although she hasn’t,
in true form, “wronged” me.. you’d like an accomplice.
someone to balance out the bully in you
someone to bear the burden of blame when she wakes up to this all.
what petty wars wage
over such unworthy men.