He always stands in front of me on descending escalators,
& behind me on ascending ones
because he knows I have a propensity for falling.
He packs an overcoat even though he knows he’ll never use it,
because he’d rather carry the extra garment
& give me the option of having an added layer to protect me from the cold.
He sends me videos of himself,
welcoming me to whatever country,
state, city I’m flying into
so that however bad of a flight I had,
it’s always remedied with his bright smile.
He writes me notes with the sweetest sentiments
& sends them via email when he knows im still sleeping
so as not to wake me with a text notification.
These are the gestures
however small or large they appear
that lets me know
he chooses me.
each and every day.
ive never been so sad to be away from you.
but ive never been so happy,
to realize how sad i am without you.
how deeply i adore you.
in my life
in how much i miss you
& it’s only been a day.
& we don’t cohabitate,
so it’s not a matter of readjusting
to having the entire bed to myself
or the lack of morning breath kisses
or timely meals shared after a long day of work
this is an emotional pull
but is only obvious to me.
its my body instinctively knowing you’re too far for comfort
& that anxious feeling reverberates the 7,803 miles separating us
& keeps me from being at peace.
they say distance makes the heart grow fonder
distance is the litmus test
that tells me
every cell in my body is protesting
against this thing called distance.
missing people easily isn’t natural for him
& now that i think about it,
it isn’t for me too.
i’ve had boyfriends go on
long family vacations
& they’d have to pull the words out of me
“don’t you miss me yet?” they’d ask.
i’d say it because..
you’re supposed to say it.
but it was usually such a relief to have them away
it told me i could be fine without
which i thought was just because i’m reasonable
just slightly emotionally detached.
but with you,
i may be at the mercy of my feelings
i may fall apart when you leave.
& the ache will be a throbbing never ending feeling
that can’t be satiated with texts
& quick layover visits
& alexa drop-ins
& you’ll think to yourself,
this girl just feels too much
& assume that this is my M.O when people leave me,
but it’s as if my heart just reserved all this,
just for you.
Sometimes i wonder if my career will eventually desensitize me to my love of traveling
living day to day in different cities
“the world must seem so much smaller to you now huh?” i was asked
“actually, it feels so much bigger. i visit cities i’d never thought i’d want to visit in a lifetime” i replied.
but i think i miss,
the way traveling was a luxury
even an anxiety
the way airports gave me goosebumps
& i would savor the experience,
even down to the prepackaged nuts
because i wouldn’t know when the next time i’d enjoy them would be.
i listen in on pockets of eager early morning conversations in line at the airport Starbucks
lusting over all the excursions they’re going to embark on once they land,
or reminiscing about all the experiences they’ve just had as they head back home.
sometimes i witness the travel bug symptom of guests being extra nice to each other
because they know their prepaid vacation’s outcome hangs in the balance of getting along with their siblings, their seat neighbor, their husband or wife… & no one wants moods soured over something so trivial in the grand scheme of Disneyland, NY Times Square, or some other highly sought destination.
self, dont let this routine take away the wonderment of exploring