You are the Solution

cliches are born for a reason
they’re cheesy
& lame
& completely out of character

until someone makes you feel the way
you should’ve always felt about another person

they are the reminder
that if what you feel about him
isnt the stuff of love songs on repeat
or throwing pebbles at a girl’s window kind of grand gesture

its not it.
the magic sauce.
the wonderment
& butterflies.

dont settle for your lukewarm feelings

its your heart urging you
to keep lookin’

she vs me

No two loves are ever the same
for good reason.

So stop comparing yourself to his one big relationship,
& how he pursued her religiously until she was finally won over.
The him then, isn’t the him now..
& the you now, may not be so crazy about him,
had he resumed that role for you.

you have been weighed
you have been measured
& you have been found wanting —
to equate to more.

but the reality is,
you aren’t any less
for having a different sort of love.

heart pursuit

fact: i’ve never actively pursued anyone before,
unless you count the 7th grade.
i bought one of those fake fundraising roses
& gave it to my 8th grade crush.
“crush” is an appropriate adjective,
for after i left he properly mocked me in front of his friends
& threw it in the trash.

i never considered myself closed off,
but i definitely wised up real fast.
my heart was no longer visible on my sleeve,
a gleaming badge asking to be stolen.
instead.. it was stitched carefully into the inside of the cuff
so i could finger the seams discretely,
reassuring myself it’s still there.

with you,
somehow its made its way to the outside world.
& its a scary place.

the original forgotten list 

“Darwin”

December 25, 2008 (Xanga)

im picky about the word used to describe my pickiness.
my selective nature is.. well natural.

but i think when it comes to matters of the heart,
i have a right to be.

i need someone, who i can look up to.
someone who i know, is capable of helping me with homework,
or to change a tire,
or something where i find that i can learn from them what i wouldn’t feel comfortable/am incapable of doing on my own.

& what they do exceed in, im not threatened by it.
no abundance of testosterone, or being overly proud of their talent at writing…
something that complements my own attributes.
i havent found out whether this means i need to find an opposite, or a match…

i like to laugh.
i like knowing, this sound, this syncopation of air & tummy reflexes… isnt forced.
& isnt because i feel guilty for not finding it truly hilarious — but because it just is.
no mercy giggles here.

i need to be able to talk to you.
hold a conversation, & you’ll hold my attention.
i dont talk much, & i can guarantee you there will be dead air.
but when i do speak.. its meant to spark contemplation/intriguing answers.
i want to find myself craving a question just so i can wrestle with ideas with you
or exchange stories that feel well kept & encoded in our exclusiveness.

i want the best shade of you.
the you, with the highest potential, optimized & in action.
the truest, most clarified reflection of you personified is the person i want to be with.
& if i bring that side of you out.. & you can do the same for me.. its a keeper.

i want someone who takes control.. & has self-control.
yeah, so i get away with murder. or i wind up in compromising situations over & over again.. i want you to accept me, but not necessarily all of my choices.
if i fuck up, i want to be called out on it.
i want to become better, because you need me to never do it again.
whats the fun in knowing i can do no wrong?
… & what’s the harm in telling me ive done wrong?
self-control in that respecting the lines that are drawn is important to me.
controlling your temper, your mouth, your hands, & your mind.

i love consistency.
i like the type of person who is there, on time, & doesnt falter.
i only expect what stakes you set,
& the offer on the table is signed with your mark.

if when you see my worst — because its bound to happen
dont judge me.
what i say in my fractured state of mind,
& reckless moments shouldnt be held/used against me.
if im even willing to share those fears & demons
… i dont want t hear them repeated. ever.

this is all i know i need.
all those periods of searching,
& asking why at some point in time someone didnt fit my agenda..
boils down to this.
what i couldnt sum up in detail
or narrate why a nice boy couldnt become nicely ever after.
& nice boys dont always finish last.
chances are, they just gave in to one or two of my vices…
& i couldnt bear to make more of what it already was.

the forgotten list v2.0

[in no particular order]
1. Makes me laugh. There’s few things i love more than to unabashedly, head thrown back, silver fillings visible, straight from the gut — laugh. My sincerest “care bear” laugh as it was once called, is one of the greatest gifts you can give to me. & i get, that over the years, even the faintest chuckling over witty text banter will fade, but i’d like to think that someone meant for me could still manage to make me laugh at myself when im taking myself too seriously.

2. Supportive. To be specific: supportive in the way i need support. There’s many ways a partner can be supportive, but what I need, & the way I need it, may not coincide with how you think you can best support me. But i’ve known myself a lot longer than you have, so when it comes down to the overbearing stress of life, i can appreciate someone who sets their pride & home remedies aside & listens to what would best work for me.

3. Financially smart. i know this wasnt on the old list.. because when i wrote the old list, finances were some great mess of a storm that is always talked about, but i could only see it ever in the distant future. it didnt really affect me or hold any bearing on my day to day life. but then student loans, and credit cards, & training without pay for a career, & car insurance, & vet bills all happened. my parents, admittedly, are not good with money. we dont talk about money, & so i never learned “smart money skills.” but im trying. which is why i need someone who wont further muddle my shaky idea of what an Asset vs Liability is [taking a tip from Rich Dad Poor Dad], & tempt me into those “treat yourself, YOLO!” shopping sprees. you dont have to be rich. its not about finding someone to fund my “get out of debt” plan. & i dont expect you to be financially responsible for me. but if you’re self-sufficient, & can pass on a few tips on how to make a dollar go a little further, i could really see a not-so-distant future together.

4. Assertive. somehow that descriptor doesnt sit well with me, but “Not a Pushover” would herald a different sort of list. a longer list of all the characteristics i’d hope to avoid. what i really mean is.. someone who’s unafraid of me. who’s unafraid of calling me out on my bullshit.. but does so in a tactful, compassionate manner. ive dated the pushovers, & ive dated the power-tripping egocentrics too.. neither last because i eventually grew tired of being always right [even though i knew i was bulldozing them, & getting away with murder] or was so disgusted with myself for being someone’s passive, restrained, “yes” girl. i want someone who knows how to challenge me, & does it for no other reason than helping me to be better.

4. Loyal. i know this is kind of assumed… don’t cheat — emotionally, physically, in any capacity. but i also mean this in the sense of i want someone to have my back, even when maybe i don’t deserve it. someone who will vouch for me in conversations when i’m not there to do it myself, or maybe it’s not my place to defend myself.  i don’t ever want our dirty laundry aired out for his parents, siblings, coworkers, friends, to see. i want peace of mind that the person im with, won’t hesitate to express his loyalty to us as a unit. this is especially important to me when it comes to family. (refer to #6)

5. Resilient. i want someone who can weather the storms that are me. i’m difficult, & moody, & don’t know what i want until it’s staring me in the face, & have introverted tendencies in the most inconvenient times & places, & the list goes on & on… and despite my best efforts to be the best version of me i can be, some days will slip through the cracks & my demons will show. it doesn’t mean i’m not the person who you courted & fell in love with, it just means i’m a work in progress, as are you, & i’d like us to give eachother the benefit of the doubt. i want someone who can wrap me up in their arms & hold me ’til the crazy passes, & not write me off for being comfortable enough to expose that part of me to you.

6. Family approved. When you marry, you marry the family– this goes both ways. my family must genuinely like you. not in a, “well this is who she chose so we’ll support her” kind of grimacing way, but in a, “where’s (love of my life’s name)? we really miss him!” i think i work really hard to win over in-laws. there’s a certain level of formality i’ve never broken character with around the in-laws, no matter the length of relationship. i’d expect the same effort of you. that being said, i’ll do it even if i don’t particularly understand them, because you come as a packaged deal & no one should ever have to choose between the two. i think a healthy relationship with in-laws is important, but so are boundaries & i need someone who’s up to the challenge of mediating that.