i want to run through every red light to get to you faster
the butterflies caged in my chest break free
when i recognize your silhouette across the dark parking lot
i want to live with my face buried in the space between your collar bones
your smile sets my gut at ease
like the ease you have with kissing the top of my forehead
with a warm, “hey babe”
& i never knew how much i craved
the velvety softness of those two words
until you say it
like how you casually play off the incredibly thoughtful things you do for me,
like loading the Harry Potter audiobooks to a playlist for me,
or leaving me “thinking of you” videos in the morning.
i want to extend each moment,
because time apart feels like that game i used to play with my brothers,
holding my breath at the entrance of a tunnel
only allowing myself to exhale once you reach the other side–
only, it’s not a game now.
& i’ve only just caught my breath with you
& don’t want to hold it a second more.
& yet.. i want to let you leave.
i want you to go conquer the world,
and be the person you tell all about it
at the end of the day.
if you didn’t ask me, “how was your circle group meeting?”
i’m quite sure
that all of this
would’ve come tumbling out
i don’t ascribe to “the right person” theory
but i do believe people can “click.”
it feels so easy
i didnt ever know,
it could be this easy.
to enjoy listening to someone
to want to do anything to take away their stress
to believe, whole heartedly, completely & truly,
that they are amazing.
we’re those people
circling one another in their own orbit
dancing to their own music that no one else can hear
is this sustainable?
do people do this for the rest of their lives?
because i dont ever want to leave this solar system
or have to stop for water when my legs give out
i just want to keep spinning
“is she your type?” i ask, motioning to the smokin’ hot YouTube guru i had playing on his desktop
“come here” he says, pulling me to sit on his lap at the edge of his bed
“you are my type” he affirms, wrapping his arms around my waist
“no i’m not” i laugh rolling my eyes, then searching his for a visual contradiction to his words
i find none.
“you are now.” and he kisses me on the cheek
he only dates with intention
he doesnt waste his time with girls
he doesnt see a possible forever with
& thinks ten steps ahead
in those plans
in that practical future
he sees a possibility of us.
im a probability
& i want him to bet on my odds.
i love that we share inside jokes
& subtle ways of showing affection
it gives me a sense of exclusivity
even if the world doesn't know what to make of us yet.
"Note to self: Always remember how lucky you are to wake up next to someone who thinks you're the shit."
No two loves are ever the same
for good reason.
So stop comparing yourself to his one big relationship,
& how he pursued her religiously until she was finally won over.
The him then, isn’t the him now..
& the you now, may not be so crazy about him,
had he resumed that role for you.
you have been weighed
you have been measured
& you have been found wanting —
to equate to more.
but the reality is,
you aren’t any less
for having a different sort of love.
“i’d say… we’re talking” you answer.
the answer to my endless amount of loving probes
bubbling over questions
and i feel like i cornered you
but i also feel victorious
& wonder if somehow i’m gonna pay for this error later.
you should know,
in case i’ve permanently killed this with my big
i absolutely adore you.
i’ve never thought so highly of a person i’m interested in… ever.
because: i’ve never pursued anyone before.
i’ve never taken the time to grow to appreciate someone,
from a distance.
this is not a lip-locked, nose-touching-nose,
“i like your freckles” kind of adore
you know the kind where you’re so caught up
in being caught up
that you don’t see the details
all those glaringly bright, red, details.
this is me adoring you
from seeing you as a friend
& falling slowly each & every time
you carefully peel a layer away.
it’s painfully slow
but it’s all in the details.
i want you to know,
i only pushed,
because i don’t want to lose you
being in limbo sometimes makes me feel like im drowning
so every so often, i need confirmation
a buoy in the distance that signals land is near,
& a lifeline to hang onto.
just know that,
you are important to me.
im told talk is cheap,
& maybe im asking way too many questions
filling up the space with them
suffocating you with them.
if i just sit quietly
& feel you brushing my hair back from my forehead for the thousandth time today
& realize im the only girl in this room
the girl you’ve chosen to share this sacred space with
i’d have my answers.
dont give it away.
dont let them tumble out
& ruin the moment.
because there’s only so much room here,
& i dont want to fill that space with tough questions.
id much rather fill it with you
resting peacefully next to me.