he only dates with intention
he doesnt waste his time with girls
he doesnt see a possible forever with
& thinks ten steps ahead
in those plans
in that practical future
he sees a possibility of us.
im a probability
& i want him to bet on my odds.
i love that we share inside jokes
& subtle ways of showing affection
it gives me a sense of exclusivity
even if the world doesn't know what to make of us yet.
"Note to self: Always remember how lucky you are to wake up next to someone who thinks you're the shit."
No two loves are ever the same
for good reason.
So stop comparing yourself to his one big relationship,
& how he pursued her religiously until she was finally won over.
The him then, isn’t the him now..
& the you now, may not be so crazy about him,
had he resumed that role for you.
you have been weighed
you have been measured
& you have been found wanting —
to equate to more.
but the reality is,
you aren’t any less
for having a different sort of love.
“i’d say… we’re talking” you answer.
the answer to my endless amount of loving probes
bubbling over questions
and i feel like i cornered you
but i also feel victorious
& wonder if somehow i’m gonna pay for this error later.
you should know,
in case i’ve permanently killed this with my big
i absolutely adore you.
i’ve never thought so highly of a person i’m interested in… ever.
because: i’ve never pursued anyone before.
i’ve never taken the time to grow to appreciate someone,
from a distance.
this is not a lip-locked, nose-touching-nose,
“i like your freckles” kind of adore
you know the kind where you’re so caught up
in being caught up
that you don’t see the details
all those glaringly bright, red, details.
this is me adoring you
from seeing you as a friend
& falling slowly each & every time
you carefully peel a layer away.
it’s painfully slow
but it’s all in the details.
i want you to know,
i only pushed,
because i don’t want to lose you
being in limbo sometimes makes me feel like im drowning
so every so often, i need confirmation
a buoy in the distance that signals land is near,
& a lifeline to hang onto.
just know that,
you are important to me.
im told talk is cheap,
& maybe im asking way too many questions
filling up the space with them
suffocating you with them.
if i just sit quietly
& feel you brushing my hair back from my forehead for the thousandth time today
& realize im the only girl in this room
the girl you’ve chosen to share this sacred space with
i’d have my answers.
dont give it away.
dont let them tumble out
& ruin the moment.
because there’s only so much room here,
& i dont want to fill that space with tough questions.
id much rather fill it with you
resting peacefully next to me.
lock me up in a room
you bring the guac & sardines
i’ll provide the netflix & popcorn
i want to hole up for winter
secluded until spring
disappear from the inquisitive looks
& probing texts
so i can figure this out.
give me your time
your most bare & honest self
i promise i wont put on a spot of makeup
if you promise to never stop singing in the shower
so i can figure you out.
show me your crazy
narrate your adventures
run your fingers along my scars
& ask me how i got them
let me burrow my face into your chest
and press my body along your side
for as long as it takes
so i can figure us out.
wear me out
wear me down
fast forward through the excitement
& the thrill
i want it all at once
so i can know
so you can know
if the first step is worth it.
we take an inch
& my head spins for miles
the playful arm lock to keep me laying in bed
the running your fingertips up and down the curve of my hips
you want miles,
[at least i think you do]
but we only take an inch.
so that the guilt is tolerable.
[at least for me]
but my head is running marathons
with a steady endurance
to places that make me question every quip
every smart ass remark
every quick “night” without the grand gesture
every day that creeps by for me to check off to know if asking if you miss me is appropriate
my appetite is satiated with the inch
but my head never is.
“at least give me.. a fighting chance.” he reasoned.
& i paused
because he was right.
ive gotten so accustomed to beating him to the punch
& lining up his check.. & mate
i run through a million reasons why i shouldn’t
that the possibility of “i can”
never comes to the forefront.
he’d fight to make you happy.
so why are you pushing him away?
i am far from a good christian
i still feel weird about stating a religious preference
because religions get a bad rap
& their followers are the worst.
i hold the agnostic card in my back pocket when im cornered
to play neutral when questions get too tough
& prayers get too touchy feely
as I gaze at my meal with head bowed.
but once i met you
as cliche & cheesy as that sounds.
maybe it was timing
i reached a point where agnosticism wasnt giving me enough
at the end of the day
maybe you can call that His work
or atheists call it luck
but something changed
& theres a yearning
im not wholly convinced yet
but its a start.
with the questions
& the discussions
& the links to video sermons
that make me feel a little less lost.
& maybe the intent has other motives
but isnt that the covert way He makes things work sometimes?
i cant speak for anyone else’s plan but my own
so for right now,
hearing you talk
about living a righteous life