Portion Control

i dont live in moderation
hell i dont eat in moderation.
i dont just have cake & eat it too
i steal bites out of cupcakes in one hand,
& potato chips in another.
because i cant decide between salty or sweet
& life is just better being able to indulge in both tastebud sensations

being around you
im learning
to take smaller bites
& savor the sweetness
before reaching for a second helping

i dont live in the grey
but with you
im learning
that there are so many distinct variations
that get you from black to white

i dont know restraint
but im learning to not push
to not plunge
because one of us will eventually break
& when that happens
there will be no more mystery in grey corners
& allure of forbidden chocolate
we’ll have crossed the line
& there will only be black, white,
& sticky guilty fingers left.


we take an inch
& my head spins for miles
the playful arm lock to keep me laying in bed
the running your fingertips up and down the curve of my hips
you want miles,
[at least i think you do]
but we only take an inch.
itty-bitty pieces
so that the guilt is tolerable.
[at least for me]
but my head is running marathons
giant strides
with a steady endurance
to places that make me question every quip
every smart ass remark
every quick “night” without the grand gesture
every day that creeps by for me to check off to know if asking if you miss me is appropriate

my appetite is satiated with the inch
but my head never is.


you need to rewire your hardware she said
because your associations have gone all wrong
because this is normal she explains, pointing inside the circle she drew
& this is you she states in her matter of fact tone,
tapping the paper
the empty space outlying the black ink curve.
because you take intimacy
but sense danger
& withdraw
from someone you love.
this is bad, she explains.
as if me coming to her wasn’t doing my part in admitting something was off.. with me.
your subconscious is telling you it’s wrong
even if you aren’t thinking it
you’re feeling it
so bring it to your level of consciousness
& disassociate it, is her casual solution.
like reminding someone to not forget their lunch at home next time.
like telling someone to remember to wash their hands after using the bathroom.
like its so easy.
like its instinctive.
like duh.
do what everyone else knows to do.

no guides
no pamphlets on the 12 Steps Towards an Intimate Future
just an irreverent ultimatum:
if you want to be alone for the rest of your life, continue on this path.
you don’t have to care about sex or intimacy.
because you will be alone if you are like this.