actions speak louder

im told talk is cheap,
& maybe im asking way too many questions
filling up the space with them
suffocating you with them.

if i just sit quietly
& feel you brushing my hair back from my forehead for the thousandth time today
& realize im the only girl in this room
the girl you’ve chosen to share this sacred space with
i’d have my answers.

so eyes,
dont give it away.
dont let them tumble out
& ruin the moment.
because there’s only so much room here,
& i dont want to fill that space with tough questions.
id much rather fill it with you
resting peacefully next to me.

closed til spring

lock me up in a room
you bring the guac & sardines
i’ll provide the netflix & popcorn
i want to hole up for winter
secluded until spring
disappear from the inquisitive looks
& probing texts
so i can figure this out.

give me your time
your most bare & honest self
i promise i wont put on a spot of makeup
if you promise to never stop singing in the shower
so i can figure you out.

show me your crazy
narrate your adventures
run your fingers along my scars
& ask me how i got them
let me burrow my face into your chest
and press my body along your side
for as long as it takes
so i can figure us out.

wear me out
wear me down
fast forward through the excitement
& the thrill
i want it all at once
so i can know
so you can know
if the first step is worth it.

63360

we take an inch
& my head spins for miles
the playful arm lock to keep me laying in bed
the running your fingertips up and down the curve of my hips
you want miles,
[at least i think you do]
but we only take an inch.
bite-size
miniature
itty-bitty pieces
so that the guilt is tolerable.
[at least for me]
but my head is running marathons
giant strides
with a steady endurance
to places that make me question every quip
every smart ass remark
every quick “night” without the grand gesture
every day that creeps by for me to check off to know if asking if you miss me is appropriate

my appetite is satiated with the inch
but my head never is.

sermon

i am far from a good christian
i still feel weird about stating a religious preference
because religions get a bad rap
& their followers are the worst.

i hold the agnostic card in my back pocket when im cornered
to play neutral when questions get too tough
& prayers get too touchy feely
as I gaze at my meal with head bowed.

but once i met you
something changed
as cliche & cheesy as that sounds.
maybe it was timing
i reached a point where agnosticism wasnt giving me enough
at the end of the day

maybe you can call that His work
or atheists call it luck
but something changed
& theres a yearning
a craving
for more.
im not wholly convinced yet
but its a start.
with the questions
& the discussions
& the links to video sermons
that make me feel a little less lost.

& maybe the intent has other motives
but isnt that the covert way He makes things work sometimes?
i cant speak for anyone else’s plan but my own
so for right now,
hearing you talk
about living a righteous life
is enough.

valerie

you dont know this
& i may never in this lifetime get the opportunity to share this with you
which could either be my solace or my curse
but after seeing you that night,
i went home & searched for my favorite version of this song
& set it on repeat for a month [& counting]
its the soundtrack to me reciting the events of that night..
& being utterly unsuccessful in finding an answer for why im still even reciting the events of that night: except to frame the moments i captured with you
the solution undeniably always comes down to this:
i was captured by you.

i recall listening to the three girls singing this song
but really only being acutely aware of the way you would watch me curiously.
i remember asking for a hug before i left,
& the way you casually offered, “let’s hug it out” & came out from behind the bar.
you asked around if i was seeing anyone after i left,
which only piqued my interest even more to know it was mutual.

these small,
minute details
insignificant in the greater scheme of things
of things i do not know
& perhaps may never find out

but at least i have this song,
& in my head I paint a picture

unraveling

“It just didn’t seem like she wanted to share a life with him is all…

This part.  The conclusion. Lacking in so many details left out of a half-lived story, is what keeps me up at night.  that seam you keep thumbing over in your favorite jacket pocket that you wish you could just cut out but you know you run the risk of carelessly undoing the stitching. it’s a flaw. you know it’s a flaw. but you can’t part with it, because it’s a part of a bigger, greater, whole.

finances. not sharing incomes. i get it, people get funny when it comes to money. but like all other things in a relationship, you eventually learn to become comfortable with it right? like farting around one another, or confiding in one another about that one odd cousin you just wish would learn some table manners.  but if im perfectly fine keeping what’s mine as my own, and yours as yours, & not asking for loans from the bank of You, and vice versa.. and we take turns buying the groceries and splitting the electricity bill.. how is that not sharing?

the more scary, resounding truth for me, is not that the argument is about finances. but more, that two people, who are “ready” to spend their life together, can still have such disjointed views on what it means to “share a life together.”  people go through the motions, sharing what they believe, in checking off the boxes of what they are, aren’t, try to be, don’t want to be, but when it comes down to that grand scale of weighing out who’s giving, who’s taking, who’s getting enough, and who still needs more …  can someone really be in the wrong?

i have this thing about support and time. so the other stuff, the shared finances, the romantic gestures, the monetary gifts, are all minimal to me because i need someone to be my rock– sometimes when it’s not the most convenient for them.  maybe its a barter system in my head. i forgo-ed those, so let me have this. maybe its unfair. but ive never been in a relationship before, where what i gave in exchange for needing my other half in that way, wasn’t enough.. or unfair.

until this, i’ve never had to reason out why what i know to be a true way to win my heart, is important.. and why it should stay. or convince someone that i know what’s best for me, & no it doesn’t need more understanding on my part, or flexibility, when majority of the time i’m ok playing backseat to your other plans, your future, being your cheerleader to your successes & your ear to your failures (although there are few. see how much i look up to you?) i take a lot of energy, & a lot of talking myself out of my corners of defeat & off ledges of what i make out to be insurmountable fears.. but ive never been afraid of disclaiming that early on, so that anyone who doesn’t have the patience, or tolerance, can walk away risk free.

Maya Angelou once told Oprah, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” 

i feel…
like.
sometimes we stand on uneven playing fields.
& you see that we are
but i dont.
& you’re telling me to share,
play fair,
do it like you do.
& for the life of me,
i cant seem to get the coordination,
the gravity of the situation,
to get me to you.