Category: words

the internet is for

the greatest contradiction about social media,
is everything is eternal
yet fleeting.

once its out there;
it can be screenshot
shared
reposted
or just glimpsed at
by anyone.
by everyone.

but it documents
our transitions
our aging
weight gain
single
in a relationship
its complicated
single
and so on & so forth

the interweb remembers
the stranger who stumbled upon my facebook remembers
the ex stalking my instagram remembers
so maybe i just always wanted less of me… out there.
to be found, to be seen, to be remembered.

those who matter, know.
i dont need social media as my walking bulletin board, i told myself.

but something about you,
makes me want to open all the windows
& shout from every single platform
how crazy about you i am.
in that annoying,
in your face,
probably bold,
all caps,
don’t-fucking-care-who-unfollows-me-after-this kinda way.

you make me feel
incredibly lucky to be with you
& its the first time
i want to share this moment with the world.

she vs me

No two loves are ever the same
for good reason.

So stop comparing yourself to his one big relationship,
& how he pursued her religiously until she was finally won over.
The him then, isn’t the him now..
& the you now, may not be so crazy about him,
had he resumed that role for you.

you have been weighed
you have been measured
& you have been found wanting —
to equate to more.

but the reality is,
you aren’t any less
for having a different sort of love.

heart pursuit

fact: i’ve never actively pursued anyone before,
unless you count the 7th grade.
i bought one of those fake fundraising roses
& gave it to my 8th grade crush.
“crush” is an appropriate adjective,
for after i left he properly mocked me in front of his friends
& threw it in the trash.

i never considered myself closed off,
but i definitely wised up real fast.
my heart was no longer visible on my sleeve,
a gleaming badge asking to be stolen.
instead.. it was stitched carefully into the inside of the cuff
so i could finger the seams discretely,
reassuring myself it’s still there.

with you,
somehow its made its way to the outside world.
& its a scary place.

Autocracy

i once read that the decision to end a relationship
is not a democratic one,
its an autocratic one.

one decides,
& it isnt for the other to reason,
negotiate,
or convince.
they must simply — accept.

i  always thought,
if you love deeply,
act truly,
& make yourself irreplaceable..
no one will ever leave

but its not for you to say
whether it was ever filling enough,
sincere enough,
or if you aren’t expendable.

so how do you ever remain
the girl he glows with adoration for?

Dymo

“i’d say… we’re talking” you answer.
the answer to my endless amount of loving probes
bubbling over questions
and i feel like i cornered you
but i also feel victorious
& wonder if somehow i’m gonna pay for this error later.

you should know,
in case i’ve permanently killed this with my big
inquiring
label demanding
mouth

i absolutely adore you.

i’ve never thought so highly of a person i’m interested in… ever.

because: i’ve never pursued anyone before.
i’ve never taken the time to grow to appreciate someone,
from a distance.
this is not a lip-locked, nose-touching-nose,
“i like your freckles” kind of adore

you know the kind where you’re so caught up
in being caught up
that you don’t see the details

all those glaringly bright, red, details.

this is me adoring you
from seeing you as a friend
a coworker
a son
& falling slowly each & every time
you carefully peel a layer away.
it’s painfully slow
excruciatingly hard
but it’s all in the details.

i want you to know,
i only pushed,
because i don’t want to lose you
being in limbo sometimes makes me feel like im drowning
so every so often, i need confirmation
affirmation
a buoy in the distance that signals land is near,
& a lifeline to hang onto.

just know that,
you are important to me.

a letter to my brother

dear big brother,

so this is an unorganized ramble.. sans alcohol so.. i don’t have a good excuse for its state.

i’ve reread your letter over & over again
on days im unsure of the person i’m left with post-breakup
& on days i just want the satisfaction of seeing him called “Mr. Potatohead” on the internet.

there are some things ive learned about myself
given some time & space from it all
& i figure,
like a good patient reporting back to their therapist
asking for clearance to return to society,
i should write this to let you know.

i’ve come to realize i have more squishy bags than i thought
things that im willing to bend
with no resentment
things i dont see as a sacrifice
for the right person.
things that i used to consider non-negotiables like:
getting on a roller coaster
being called “baby” or “babe”
committing to temporary long distance
these are things that if i see myself long-term with someone,
a person who is throwing his squishy stuff into the space as well
& doesn’t mind the chaos of the bending & mushing of personals
id be happy to adjust for.
they’re equal sacrifices.

& my hard surfaces have only become more pronounced
post-breakup with Mr. Potatohead
things that were mislabeled
mistaken
to be belongings that weren’t near & dear to my heart
so they were shoved into the attic with no sensitivity
no gentleness
to collect dust & become forgotten items for another time.
things like:
my introverted tendencies
my desire to have a marriage possibly without kids in the picture
my faith
my need for plans/schedules/consistency
my family
my love language of acts of service.

maybe its my fault for misrepresenting the value of these things.
maybe i did in fact deceive him,
playing it off as easy-going, & out-going
doesn’t everyone put their best foot forward when they get to know someone?

& maybe it’s my fault for letting my values be treated so insignificantly

but i also dont think a good person
a truly good person,
someone who loves you
& wants to build a life with you,
would bulldoze you like that.

it plays out in my head like this:
early on he realized there’s finite space available,
after quickly assessing the ratio & significance of his stuff vs mine
[because engineers are good at calculating stuff like that]
without hesitation, he slipped on his noise-canceling headphones
& went to town with a sledgehammer on my luggage
unable to hear the shattering, of all that makes me– me.

so counselor,
i have to object to your closing remarks.
because there was no shattering of tiny unfulfilling cups,
or breaking of roller-boards on my part.
i never partook in the crime myself.
maybe for lack of strength.
maybe for grace & better up-bringing — who knows.

i can say i am grateful though
for the perspective
for the time to account for all my belongings again
for the thrill of the possibility
of finding someone who stops & points at my hard-cased Travelpro,
& simply smiles & says, “hey! i have one just like that.  Where’d you get it from?”
& i now have the capacity to take the time to tell them.

love you.

-your lil sis

dusk at disney

we sit there, having finished our meal
me pressed to your side, people watching
we quietly observe the tired families who pass us
pushing on to make their time
their money
well spent.
your arm is draped over my shoulder, casually.
im peaceful. im happy.
“are you gonna be devastated when i leave?” he asks,
i pause, holding my breath, pressing my lips hard together to keep from blurting out my truth.
“im really worried about you that’s why…” he says, filling the silence i created, as he leans in to kiss the side of my head.
“i dunnoooo… i mean, what do you think? .. are you going to be? devastated i mean?” i shift away from him so i can turn to see his face.
“yeah, i’ll be a lil’ devastated” he shrugs.
“i just.. i dunno. i don’t do well with change– well no one does i guess. but i’m a creature of habit. i like plans. this will just shift… things. im afraid of the unknown.”
“yeah i know”
“i mean… i could fly mostly Pheonix. i like it. it’s good credit.. and i could visit. but is that what you’d want?”
“yeah of course!”
“but i don’t want you to feel obligated to see me, just because i’m flying there. i don’t want to be an obligation.”
“no. you won’t be.. but you have to understand, studying is studying. that’s a non-negotiable. after those first 9 months of school, i’ll have more flexibility”
“i get that…” i nod slowly, reassuring him of my being on the same page, “yeah. i get it.” i reaffirm, giving a final, concise nod, as if my chin was a firm handshake agreeing to these terms.
i lean back into him as we resume our people watching, letting our words sink in
” i just need you to know though..” i begin, looking down at my lap, “this,” i draw a circle widely with my hand in the space before me, “whatever this is… it’s important to me… you know?” i turn to face him again, to make sure he understands.
my eyes flit acros
the weight.
the power he holds.
his eyes shrink to mischievous slits, “oh? this isnt just fun for you?” he smirks.
i nervously laugh, “no. you know it isn’t. not for me. for you?”
he stops smiling, “no. its not.”
“ok. good.” i nod.

its not ground breaking
but its a start.