Author: earthtomars

we're bigger than the sum of broken parts.

dusk at disney

we sit there, having finished our meal
me pressed to your side, people watching
we quietly observe the tired families who pass us
pushing on to make their time
their money
well spent.
your arm is draped over my shoulder, casually.
im peaceful. im happy.
“are you gonna be devastated when i leave?” he asks,
i pause, holding my breath, pressing my lips hard together to keep from blurting out my truth.
“im really worried about you that’s why…” he says, filling the silence i created, as he leans in to kiss the side of my head.
“i dunnoooo… i mean, what do you think? .. are you going to be? devastated i mean?” i shift away from him so i can turn to see his face.
“yeah, i’ll be a lil’ devastated” he shrugs.
“i just.. i dunno. i don’t do well with change– well no one does i guess. but i’m a creature of habit. i like plans. this will just shift… things. im afraid of the unknown.”
“yeah i know”
“i mean… i could fly mostly Pheonix. i like it. it’s good credit.. and i could visit. but is that what you’d want?”
“yeah of course!”
“but i don’t want you to feel obligated to see me, just because i’m flying there. i don’t want to be an obligation.”
“no. you won’t be.. but you have to understand, studying is studying. that’s a non-negotiable. after those first 9 months of school, i’ll have more flexibility”
“i get that…” i nod slowly, reassuring him of my being on the same page, “yeah. i get it.” i reaffirm, giving a final, concise nod, as if my chin was a firm handshake agreeing to these terms.
i lean back into him as we resume our people watching, letting our words sink in
” i just need you to know though..” i begin, looking down at my lap, “this,” i draw a circle widely with my hand in the space before me, “whatever this is… it’s important to me… you know?” i turn to face him again, to make sure he understands.
my eyes flit acros
the weight.
the power he holds.
his eyes shrink to mischievous slits, “oh? this isnt just fun for you?” he smirks.
i nervously laugh, “no. you know it isn’t. not for me. for you?”
he stops smiling, “no. its not.”
“ok. good.” i nod.

its not ground breaking
but its a start.

actions speak louder

im told talk is cheap,
& maybe im asking way too many questions
filling up the space with them
suffocating you with them.

if i just sit quietly
& feel you brushing my hair back from my forehead for the thousandth time today
& realize im the only girl in this room
the girl you’ve chosen to share this sacred space with
i’d have my answers.

so eyes,
dont give it away.
dont let them tumble out
& ruin the moment.
because there’s only so much room here,
& i dont want to fill that space with tough questions.
id much rather fill it with you
resting peacefully next to me.

rubiks

you are my blind spot
my mind rotates all sides of your cube
fixated on all the signs,
connecting all the dots,
reading all the subtle cues,
to align all the red pieces on a face.
& just when i feel relaxed,
relieved,
accomplished,
for having finished all the reds–
i turn it over
& realize there’s five more sides all jumbled up
a mix of greens, yellows, blues, & whites
in chaos
in a mess
that makes me feel like i havent figured anything out at all.

barter

“i dont need commitment right this moment.. i dont need for you to be my boyfriend. i dont even need to know you’ll be mine six months from now or anything.. just.. i need you to take a step closer. a step closer to me.”
“well what does that mean? what does that look like?”
“it means telling me this can go somewhere.. that this is something. can you take that step closer?”
“i cant take that step yet.”
“is there at least a possibility that you could take that step?”
“yes”
“ok… that’s good enough for me. for now.”

closed til spring

lock me up in a room
you bring the guac & sardines
i’ll provide the netflix & popcorn
i want to hole up for winter
secluded until spring
disappear from the inquisitive looks
& probing texts
so i can figure this out.

give me your time
your most bare & honest self
i promise i wont put on a spot of makeup
if you promise to never stop singing in the shower
so i can figure you out.

show me your crazy
narrate your adventures
run your fingers along my scars
& ask me how i got them
let me burrow my face into your chest
and press my body along your side
for as long as it takes
so i can figure us out.

wear me out
wear me down
fast forward through the excitement
& the thrill
i want it all at once
so i can know
so you can know
if the first step is worth it.

post-it

consider this:
would you prefer a man who readily misses you,
says it, no-holds-barred,
but may not know the weight of it?

or..

a man who measures out his thoughts,
his words,
& the implications it may have on your world,
& although he may not mean it [yet..]
will say it because he knows the weight it carries to you?
because your world shifts slightly when he says it
it means more.. by meaning less.. if that’s even possible.

a man who says it to make you happy.
because even if it doesnt come naturally to him,
its what he’ll do. for you.

a few months from now,
this entire note may read as a red flag
disguised as hope.
we’ll just have to wait..
will the other shoe ever drop?
how long will you wait to see?

On Heavy Repeat.

on heavy repeat.

Brave the Dark – Bird Passengers

Cannot believe, figuratively
I wanna be someone you need
How do you know?
How do you know, what do you see?
Haven’t felt a lot for a while
Where do you start? Under the scar?
I’m insecure, I’m making it hard
Breathing again, breathing again
Smell of my coat, cover your skin
Haven’t felt alive for a while
Remember the cost of the mountain we cover
Remember the cure that we are in each other
We’re bigger than the sum of broken parts
Remember the sun that we lose in the weather
Remember to always come back to the center
And after we live today,
we can brave the dark
Conveniently, meet at the spring
What did it mean, watching you sing?
Changing your mind, changing your mind
Learning to grow, giving it time
Think you’ll need a lot for a while
Perilously, opening up
What’ll it be, staring at us?
Starting again, starting again
Ready to see, time to begin
Think I’ve felt this way for a while
Remember the cost of the mountain we cover
Remember the cure that we are in each other
We’re bigger than the sum of broken parts
Remember the sun that we lose in the weather
Remember to always come back to the center
And after we live today,
we can brave the dark

the original forgotten list 

“Darwin”

December 25, 2008 (Xanga)

im picky about the word used to describe my pickiness.
my selective nature is.. well natural.

but i think when it comes to matters of the heart,
i have a right to be.

i need someone, who i can look up to.
someone who i know, is capable of helping me with homework,
or to change a tire,
or something where i find that i can learn from them what i wouldn’t feel comfortable/am incapable of doing on my own.

& what they do exceed in, im not threatened by it.
no abundance of testosterone, or being overly proud of their talent at writing…
something that complements my own attributes.
i havent found out whether this means i need to find an opposite, or a match…

i like to laugh.
i like knowing, this sound, this syncopation of air & tummy reflexes… isnt forced.
& isnt because i feel guilty for not finding it truly hilarious — but because it just is.
no mercy giggles here.

i need to be able to talk to you.
hold a conversation, & you’ll hold my attention.
i dont talk much, & i can guarantee you there will be dead air.
but when i do speak.. its meant to spark contemplation/intriguing answers.
i want to find myself craving a question just so i can wrestle with ideas with you
or exchange stories that feel well kept & encoded in our exclusiveness.

i want the best shade of you.
the you, with the highest potential, optimized & in action.
the truest, most clarified reflection of you personified is the person i want to be with.
& if i bring that side of you out.. & you can do the same for me.. its a keeper.

i want someone who takes control.. & has self-control.
yeah, so i get away with murder. or i wind up in compromising situations over & over again.. i want you to accept me, but not necessarily all of my choices.
if i fuck up, i want to be called out on it.
i want to become better, because you need me to never do it again.
whats the fun in knowing i can do no wrong?
… & what’s the harm in telling me ive done wrong?
self-control in that respecting the lines that are drawn is important to me.
controlling your temper, your mouth, your hands, & your mind.

i love consistency.
i like the type of person who is there, on time, & doesnt falter.
i only expect what stakes you set,
& the offer on the table is signed with your mark.

if when you see my worst — because its bound to happen
dont judge me.
what i say in my fractured state of mind,
& reckless moments shouldnt be held/used against me.
if im even willing to share those fears & demons
… i dont want t hear them repeated. ever.

this is all i know i need.
all those periods of searching,
& asking why at some point in time someone didnt fit my agenda..
boils down to this.
what i couldnt sum up in detail
or narrate why a nice boy couldnt become nicely ever after.
& nice boys dont always finish last.
chances are, they just gave in to one or two of my vices…
& i couldnt bear to make more of what it already was.