December 25, 2008 (Xanga)
im picky about the word used to describe my pickiness.
my selective nature is.. well natural.
but i think when it comes to matters of the heart,
i have a right to be.
i need someone, who i can look up to.
someone who i know, is capable of helping me with homework,
or to change a tire,
or something where i find that i can learn from them what i wouldn’t feel comfortable/am incapable of doing on my own.
& what they do exceed in, im not threatened by it.
no abundance of testosterone, or being overly proud of their talent at writing…
something that complements my own attributes.
i havent found out whether this means i need to find an opposite, or a match…
i like to laugh.
i like knowing, this sound, this syncopation of air & tummy reflexes… isnt forced.
& isnt because i feel guilty for not finding it truly hilarious — but because it just is.
no mercy giggles here.
i need to be able to talk to you.
hold a conversation, & you’ll hold my attention.
i dont talk much, & i can guarantee you there will be dead air.
but when i do speak.. its meant to spark contemplation/intriguing answers.
i want to find myself craving a question just so i can wrestle with ideas with you
or exchange stories that feel well kept & encoded in our exclusiveness.
i want the best shade of you.
the you, with the highest potential, optimized & in action.
the truest, most clarified reflection of you personified is the person i want to be with.
& if i bring that side of you out.. & you can do the same for me.. its a keeper.
i want someone who takes control.. & has self-control.
yeah, so i get away with murder. or i wind up in compromising situations over & over again.. i want you to accept me, but not necessarily all of my choices.
if i fuck up, i want to be called out on it.
i want to become better, because you need me to never do it again.
whats the fun in knowing i can do no wrong?
… & what’s the harm in telling me ive done wrong?
self-control in that respecting the lines that are drawn is important to me.
controlling your temper, your mouth, your hands, & your mind.
i love consistency.
i like the type of person who is there, on time, & doesnt falter.
i only expect what stakes you set,
& the offer on the table is signed with your mark.
if when you see my worst — because its bound to happen
dont judge me.
what i say in my fractured state of mind,
& reckless moments shouldnt be held/used against me.
if im even willing to share those fears & demons
… i dont want t hear them repeated. ever.
this is all i know i need.
all those periods of searching,
& asking why at some point in time someone didnt fit my agenda..
boils down to this.
what i couldnt sum up in detail
or narrate why a nice boy couldnt become nicely ever after.
& nice boys dont always finish last.
chances are, they just gave in to one or two of my vices…
& i couldnt bear to make more of what it already was.