the funny thing about speculating about others’ relationships
is how much it really reveals about your own.

what’s that? he’s not ambitious enough for her?
& misaligned life goals is a deal breaker?

but to admit we see ourselves in their predicament
is to admit we’re just as helpless
& lost
& trapped as they are.
instead we act as impartial observers
secretly hoping that we wont meet their same demise

hapless hiatus

& i always return to what i know,
& what knows me best.
big changes,
lil’ perspective,
& hopefully,
happier future ahead.

resolutions

resolutions & any goal shouldn’t have to give way to one another, so im hoping to find a balance in these aspects of my life. & these don’t have a deadline, just a timeline.

– mm.

end count.

1. there is nothing more frustrating than being tasked to teach someone, who refuses to learn.
2. i feel like ive forsaken my team in pursuit of a career.. & i hate that that is the sacrifice i need to make in order to be happy. because really. i couldnt be doing these kinds of hours, with this pay, & this kind of nonexistent support well into my 30s.
3. “luck is the meeting of preparation & opportunity” — & I feel extremely lucky to be getting out when i am..
4. “in everything you do, do it with all your heart” & i intend to. i think this mentality is what’s opened so many doors for me, & has allowed me to be humble in times when arguments of entitlement are so often heard.
5. i am beyond excited to make a change.

animal farm

IMG_3765Animal Rights Commentary Diptych (only half shown here)
charcoal, pencil, chicken wire, tracing paper; 20″x40″
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IMG_3707

I figured i was overdue for another art post.  this was done in 2013 for a college art course, with the parameters being to do a piece on a political issue or current event.  i chose to focus on fast food chains & the unhealthy living conditions of the animals they use to supply them.  i liked playing with transparencies, textures, & most of all… animals.  :]  hope you like it

– mm.

motive

having a mutual enemy
makes us mutual friends
don’t you see? she asks.
although i swear months before,
i was the enemy she spoke of.
we are not mutually exclusive to who we detest
& we can join, & disband any campaign of our choosing

the difference is,
i was not your friend,
so it was ok to wrong me.
she, in fact, was your friend,
so her wrong doings are unforgivable.
& although she hasn’t,
in true form, “wronged” me.. you’d like an accomplice.
someone to balance out the bully in you
someone to bear the burden of blame when she wakes up to this all.

what petty wars wage
over such unworthy men.

take two.

some additions to the ever-growing list of learned:
1. unforeseen job stress = the quickest, & unhealthiest way to lose weight fast (not recommended)

2. your true friends will rise to the occasion, & carry you home in shambles on nights you’re so defeated that you don’t know how to piece your confidence back together.. & never hold it against you

3. sometimes people need that cheesy, corny, confidence boosting pep-talk… because it feels good to hear that someone out there believes in you; & vice versa. i find myself scrolling slower over those inspirational quotes that people post on instagram & having one of those, “oh my god. it gets me!” moments.

4. SAMs club is like that high school club that you never really wanted to join, but did so to see more of that hot guy who joined. only.. all the other club members are elderly cart-wheeling people who are easily distracted by free bite-sized samples. in this metaphor .. there really is no hot guy reward.

more to come.
im not down for the count yet.

unraveling

“It just didn’t seem like she wanted to share a life with him is all…

This part.  The conclusion. Lacking in so many details left out of a half-lived story, is what keeps me up at night.  that seam you keep thumbing over in your favorite jacket pocket that you wish you could just cut out but you know you run the risk of carelessly undoing the stitching. it’s a flaw. you know it’s a flaw. but you can’t part with it, because it’s a part of a bigger, greater, whole.

finances. not sharing incomes. i get it, people get funny when it comes to money. but like all other things in a relationship, you eventually learn to become comfortable with it right? like farting around one another, or confiding in one another about that one odd cousin you just wish would learn some table manners.  but if im perfectly fine keeping what’s mine as my own, and yours as yours, & not asking for loans from the bank of You, and vice versa.. and we take turns buying the groceries and splitting the electricity bill.. how is that not sharing?

the more scary, resounding truth for me, is not that the argument is about finances. but more, that two people, who are “ready” to spend their life together, can still have such disjointed views on what it means to “share a life together.”  people go through the motions, sharing what they believe, in checking off the boxes of what they are, aren’t, try to be, don’t want to be, but when it comes down to that grand scale of weighing out who’s giving, who’s taking, who’s getting enough, and who still needs more …  can someone really be in the wrong?

i have this thing about support and time. so the other stuff, the shared finances, the romantic gestures, the monetary gifts, are all minimal to me because i need someone to be my rock– sometimes when it’s not the most convenient for them.  maybe its a barter system in my head. i forgo-ed those, so let me have this. maybe its unfair. but ive never been in a relationship before, where what i gave in exchange for needing my other half in that way, wasn’t enough.. or unfair.

until this, i’ve never had to reason out why what i know to be a true way to win my heart, is important.. and why it should stay. or convince someone that i know what’s best for me, & no it doesn’t need more understanding on my part, or flexibility, when majority of the time i’m ok playing backseat to your other plans, your future, being your cheerleader to your successes & your ear to your failures (although there are few. see how much i look up to you?) i take a lot of energy, & a lot of talking myself out of my corners of defeat & off ledges of what i make out to be insurmountable fears.. but ive never been afraid of disclaiming that early on, so that anyone who doesn’t have the patience, or tolerance, can walk away risk free.

Maya Angelou once told Oprah, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” 

i feel…
like.
sometimes we stand on uneven playing fields.
& you see that we are
but i dont.
& you’re telling me to share,
play fair,
do it like you do.
& for the life of me,
i cant seem to get the coordination,
the gravity of the situation,
to get me to you.

month-old-manager’s memorandum

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a few things i have learned over my first 30 days:

  1. i am not superwoman
  2. positivity is infectious.. but sometimes coming up with that positive energy when there’s no one to first be infected by.. is the problem.
  3. “every. day. is. a. new. challenge.” can be both a way of overcoming the day at hand.. or dooming the next. haven’t quite decided which is truer.
  4. i have a bad habit of putting blind faith in leaders, only to become disappointed soon after when i learn firsthand of the exaggerations they’ve told, or see how thickly they’ve glossed over the truth.  i should trade that with how i approach my love life & i’d be set.
  5. my parents make the best sounding board. ever. hands down.

cheers to month two.