lets let it go unspoken
because the timid poking & prodding
prefaced with, “i dont want this to turn into an argument”
never prevents it from turning into one nonetheless.
or into subdued silence.
the latter at least plays decoy for the argument raging on in my head
& the voice cast as you at least commits to listening
& compromising.. a little.
lets be real here. its still you
just my imagined, toned down version of you.
because id rather reluctantly come to terms on my own
with the fact that anything you say you’ll try to do,
or hope to do,
to assuage my anger
will only deal me unbidden disappointment in the future.
no, id rather not.
so instead i’ll seek solace in the quiet foxhole we’ve dug ourselves into
out of the direct line of fire
but not out of the war.
i was your first
so its understandable
that mistakes were made
i’ll be the first to admit that.
but here is what you should know
for the next one who you let in:
1. don’t grip so hard
2. words are cheap. use your actions.
3. sometimes a bad day is just that. don’t take her misfortunes to be caused by you. (unless they are: in that case.. refer to tip #2)
4. a good listener > a good cheerleader
“so how are you two anyway?”
“well, i think we’ve reached that point where we know each other well enough to not push the others buttons…
but we’ve also reached the point where we know each other well enough to know what makes the other happy.. & we’re not going out of our way to do so.”
complacency must be the drug
responsible for slowing the blood flow to the heart
& thinning the oxygen to the brain
which if not induced in such a state,
there would be internal sirens firing off
Get out! Escape! Leave now!
i saw a guy in scrubs waiting at the stop light
& i wondered,
had you not been denied residency here,
whether that would be you,
waiting to cross the street
hurrying home to cook me quinoa kimchi fried rice
& a big bowl of salad (extra croutons).
id have a to go container of broth from work,
because all you need for sustenance is soup,
& a smile from yours truly.
how different it would be,
how distant we’d be
to the idea of distance.
how little translates.
note to both:
me, in my white gown
beside myself with excitement
to reveal myself,
to give myself away to you
for the first & last time.
you, in your black & white
consumed by distraction
that will ruin the vision,
sets a precedence for our future.
an iPhone game captivates you
more than i ever will.
when i peruse through “first look” wedding day photos,
this is what i see of our own.
i play it over & over in my head
& know i am nullified.
i ask myself why,
if that’s what the cards hold,
im still here.
i’m lucky enough to witness
passengers who instinctively interlock hands
when the engines start to roar
& the exhilaration pumps through
when the metal bird seems to shudder with excitement
it’s all the more adorable when it’s an elderly couple
she’s gazing out the window
he’s flipping through the inflight magazine
& in that same moment they reach blindly for each other
& give the others hand a little squeeze
it’s alright, we’re almost there say the fingers to one another.
one’s wrinkles blend into the others
one’s sun spotted skin becomes the others
if I had to leave this earth
trapped in this metal bird
I’d like my body to be found with my fingers entwined with my love’s
just like that.
in the first flush,
i tend to burn brightly
with a ravenous hunger for the new
& just as quickly,
into a subdued
the kind of hushed light
that becomes so small,
that one would barely even notice.
like a steady
a comfort for its presence
but void of any real warmth.
& i can never remember,
at what point i let my flame
become a $1.97 glass Made in China bulb.
Sometimes i wonder if my career will eventually desensitize me to my love of traveling
living day to day in different cities
“the world must seem so much smaller to you now huh?” i was asked
“actually, it feels so much bigger. i visit cities i’d never thought i’d want to visit in a lifetime” i replied.
but i think i miss,
the way traveling was a luxury
even an anxiety
the way airports gave me goosebumps
& i would savor the experience,
even down to the prepackaged nuts
because i wouldn’t know when the next time i’d enjoy them would be.
i listen in on pockets of eager early morning conversations in line at the airport Starbucks
lusting over all the excursions they’re going to embark on once they land,
or reminiscing about all the experiences they’ve just had as they head back home.
sometimes i witness the travel bug symptom of guests being extra nice to each other
because they know their prepaid vacation’s outcome hangs in the balance of getting along with their siblings, their seat neighbor, their husband or wife… & no one wants moods soured over something so trivial in the grand scheme of Disneyland, NY Times Square, or some other highly sought destination.
self, dont let this routine take away the wonderment of exploring
maybe im just overly dramatic
& am exaggerating this sudden complacency on both ends
but i feel like it was too easy to come to this
& too much to sacrifice to make it work.
you’d need to grant me the moon & the stars
the unconditional love & happiness,
if i were to meet your conditions,
& sign on the dotted line.
but i dont think you will.
i dont think you’re capable of it.
its a lifestyle
its a trade.
the way i see myself living for the rest of my life… for yours.
its a life i dont see for myself.
& i know,
being pushed out of your comfort zone is supposedly a good thing,
but how much should one have to be pushed,
before its no longer even your zone at all?
its a whole other field entirely?
doesn’t too much pushing just make for a pushy partner?
i dont want kids.
at least, i dont think i do.
& i could go into the why’s, & the ways i could work around it…
but in the end, my indecision could cost us this relationship.
i didnt know i had a deadline for figuring my shit out.
at least, i didn’t know i had to work on a timeline other than my own.
you dont know this
& i may never in this lifetime get the opportunity to share this with you
which could either be my solace or my curse
but after seeing you that night,
i went home & searched for my favorite version of this song
& set it on repeat for a month [& counting]
its the soundtrack to me reciting the events of that night..
& being utterly unsuccessful in finding an answer for why im still even reciting the events of that night: except to frame the moments i captured with you
the solution undeniably always comes down to this:
i was captured by you.
i recall listening to the three girls singing this song
but really only being acutely aware of the way you would watch me curiously.
i remember asking for a hug before i left,
& the way you casually offered, “let’s hug it out” & came out from behind the bar.
you asked around if i was seeing anyone after i left,
which only piqued my interest even more to know it was mutual.
insignificant in the greater scheme of things
of things i do not know
& perhaps may never find out
but at least i have this song,
& in my head I paint a picture