Sometimes i wonder if my career will eventually desensitize me to my love of traveling
living day to day in different cities
“the world must seem so much smaller to you now huh?” i was asked
“actually, it feels so much bigger. i visit cities i’d never thought i’d want to visit in a lifetime” i replied.
but i think i miss,
the way traveling was a luxury
even an anxiety
the way airports gave me goosebumps
& i would savor the experience,
even down to the prepackaged nuts
because i wouldn’t know when the next time i’d enjoy them would be.
i listen in on pockets of eager early morning conversations in line at the airport Starbucks
lusting over all the excursions they’re going to embark on once they land,
or reminiscing about all the experiences they’ve just had as they head back home.
sometimes i witness the travel bug symptom of guests being extra nice to each other
because they know their prepaid vacation’s outcome hangs in the balance of getting along with their siblings, their seat neighbor, their husband or wife… & no one wants moods soured over something so trivial in the grand scheme of Disneyland, NY Times Square, or some other highly sought destination.
self, dont let this routine take away the wonderment of exploring
maybe im just overly dramatic
& am exaggerating this sudden complacency on both ends
but i feel like it was too easy to come to this
& too much to sacrifice to make it work.
you’d need to grant me the moon & the stars
the unconditional love & happiness,
if i were to meet your conditions,
& sign on the dotted line.
but i dont think you will.
i dont think you’re capable of it.
its a lifestyle
its a trade.
the way i see myself living for the rest of my life… for yours.
its a life i dont see for myself.
& i know,
being pushed out of your comfort zone is supposedly a good thing,
but how much should one have to be pushed,
before its no longer even your zone at all?
its a whole other field entirely?
doesn’t too much pushing just make for a pushy partner?
i dont want kids.
at least, i dont think i do.
& i could go into the why’s, & the ways i could work around it…
but in the end, my indecision could cost us this relationship.
i didnt know i had a deadline for figuring my shit out.
at least, i didn’t know i had to work on a timeline other than my own.
you dont know this
& i may never in this lifetime get the opportunity to share this with you
which could either be my solace or my curse
but after seeing you that night,
i went home & searched for my favorite version of this song
& set it on repeat for a month [& counting]
its the soundtrack to me reciting the events of that night..
& being utterly unsuccessful in finding an answer for why im still even reciting the events of that night: except to frame the moments i captured with you
the solution undeniably always comes down to this:
i was captured by you.
i recall listening to the three girls singing this song
but really only being acutely aware of the way you would watch me curiously.
i remember asking for a hug before i left,
& the way you casually offered, “let’s hug it out” & came out from behind the bar.
you asked around if i was seeing anyone after i left,
which only piqued my interest even more to know it was mutual.
insignificant in the greater scheme of things
of things i do not know
& perhaps may never find out
but at least i have this song,
& in my head I paint a picture
the funny thing about speculating about others’ relationships
is how much it really reveals about your own.
what’s that? he’s not ambitious enough for her?
& misaligned life goals is a deal breaker?
but to admit we see ourselves in their predicament
is to admit we’re just as helpless
& trapped as they are.
instead we act as impartial observers
secretly hoping that we wont meet their same demise
& i always return to what i know,
& what knows me best.
happier future ahead.
resolutions & any goal shouldn’t have to give way to one another, so im hoping to find a balance in these aspects of my life. & these don’t have a deadline, just a timeline.
1. there is nothing more frustrating than being tasked to teach someone, who refuses to learn.
2. i feel like ive forsaken my team in pursuit of a career.. & i hate that that is the sacrifice i need to make in order to be happy. because really. i couldnt be doing these kinds of hours, with this pay, & this kind of nonexistent support well into my 30s.
3. “luck is the meeting of preparation & opportunity” — & I feel extremely lucky to be getting out when i am..
4. “in everything you do, do it with all your heart” & i intend to. i think this mentality is what’s opened so many doors for me, & has allowed me to be humble in times when arguments of entitlement are so often heard.
5. i am beyond excited to make a change.
Animal Rights Commentary Diptych (only half shown here)
charcoal, pencil, chicken wire, tracing paper; 20″x40″
I figured i was overdue for another art post. this was done in 2013 for a college art course, with the parameters being to do a piece on a political issue or current event. i chose to focus on fast food chains & the unhealthy living conditions of the animals they use to supply them. i liked playing with transparencies, textures, & most of all… animals. :] hope you like it
i wish i could shake you
wiggle you free
& uproot you
walk not two feet away,
& then replant you
to show you what i see.
i told you so
is not so profound
if i dont have the means to show you the whys & hows
of my premonitions.
the signs were there.
you just didnt have the sensibility to see it the way i did.
having a mutual enemy
makes us mutual friends
don’t you see? she asks.
although i swear months before,
i was the enemy she spoke of.
we are not mutually exclusive to who we detest
& we can join, & disband any campaign of our choosing
the difference is,
i was not your friend,
so it was ok to wrong me.
she, in fact, was your friend,
so her wrong doings are unforgivable.
& although she hasn’t,
in true form, “wronged” me.. you’d like an accomplice.
someone to balance out the bully in you
someone to bear the burden of blame when she wakes up to this all.
what petty wars wage
over such unworthy men.
some additions to the ever-growing list of learned:
1. unforeseen job stress = the quickest, & unhealthiest way to lose weight fast (not recommended)
2. your true friends will rise to the occasion, & carry you home in shambles on nights you’re so defeated that you don’t know how to piece your confidence back together.. & never hold it against you
3. sometimes people need that cheesy, corny, confidence boosting pep-talk… because it feels good to hear that someone out there believes in you; & vice versa. i find myself scrolling slower over those inspirational quotes that people post on instagram & having one of those, “oh my god. it gets me!” moments.
4. SAMs club is like that high school club that you never really wanted to join, but did so to see more of that hot guy who joined. only.. all the other club members are elderly cart-wheeling people who are easily distracted by free bite-sized samples. in this metaphor .. there really is no hot guy reward.
more to come.
im not down for the count yet.