unraveling

“It just didn’t seem like she wanted to share a life with him is all…

This part.  The conclusion. Lacking in so many details left out of a half-lived story, is what keeps me up at night.  that seam you keep thumbing over in your favorite jacket pocket that you wish you could just cut out but you know you run the risk of carelessly undoing the stitching. it’s a flaw. you know it’s a flaw. but you can’t part with it, because it’s a part of a bigger, greater, whole.

finances. not sharing incomes. i get it, people get funny when it comes to money. but like all other things in a relationship, you eventually learn to become comfortable with it right? like farting around one another, or confiding in one another about that one odd cousin you just wish would learn some table manners.  but if im perfectly fine keeping what’s mine as my own, and yours as yours, & not asking for loans from the bank of You, and vice versa.. and we take turns buying the groceries and splitting the electricity bill.. how is that not sharing?

the more scary, resounding truth for me, is not that the argument is about finances. but more, that two people, who are “ready” to spend their life together, can still have such disjointed views on what it means to “share a life together.”  people go through the motions, sharing what they believe, in checking off the boxes of what they are, aren’t, try to be, don’t want to be, but when it comes down to that grand scale of weighing out who’s giving, who’s taking, who’s getting enough, and who still needs more …  can someone really be in the wrong?

i have this thing about support and time. so the other stuff, the shared finances, the romantic gestures, the monetary gifts, are all minimal to me because i need someone to be my rock– sometimes when it’s not the most convenient for them.  maybe its a barter system in my head. i forgo-ed those, so let me have this. maybe its unfair. but ive never been in a relationship before, where what i gave in exchange for needing my other half in that way, wasn’t enough.. or unfair.

until this, i’ve never had to reason out why what i know to be a true way to win my heart, is important.. and why it should stay. or convince someone that i know what’s best for me, & no it doesn’t need more understanding on my part, or flexibility, when majority of the time i’m ok playing backseat to your other plans, your future, being your cheerleader to your successes & your ear to your failures (although there are few. see how much i look up to you?) i take a lot of energy, & a lot of talking myself out of my corners of defeat & off ledges of what i make out to be insurmountable fears.. but ive never been afraid of disclaiming that early on, so that anyone who doesn’t have the patience, or tolerance, can walk away risk free.

Maya Angelou once told Oprah, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” 

i feel…
like.
sometimes we stand on uneven playing fields.
& you see that we are
but i dont.
& you’re telling me to share,
play fair,
do it like you do.
& for the life of me,
i cant seem to get the coordination,
the gravity of the situation,
to get me to you.

month-old-manager’s memorandum

IMG_6424

a few things i have learned over my first 30 days:

  1. i am not superwoman
  2. positivity is infectious.. but sometimes coming up with that positive energy when there’s no one to first be infected by.. is the problem.
  3. “every. day. is. a. new. challenge.” can be both a way of overcoming the day at hand.. or dooming the next. haven’t quite decided which is truer.
  4. i have a bad habit of putting blind faith in leaders, only to become disappointed soon after when i learn firsthand of the exaggerations they’ve told, or see how thickly they’ve glossed over the truth.  i should trade that with how i approach my love life & i’d be set.
  5. my parents make the best sounding board. ever. hands down.

cheers to month two.

you call me the pessimist
the eternal realist
& wish i knew how to dream
& breathe optimism into the doubt i hold so dear & near to me

but then i think of the times
when i was floating
elated
hoping for things i know seemed intangible
silly even
but would it have killed you to have believed in me then?
if not the dream,
at least in me,
the dreamer
who you claim has never been
nor ever will be.

but i swear,
every death
every departed essence of someone
had a reason
for being, & then.. not being.
sometimes its easier to forget the motive
& just deal with the results.

MIA

work has consumed me.
i ache,
i am over extended,
i am spent.
a new challenge
every.
fucking.
day.

but this is what i wanted.
i needed a change to shake me from my dormant slumber
i am a force to be reckoned with.
im just waiting for that moment of reckoning.
right now
the quiet judgment
& underestimating looks
are bearable.
because i know better.

because i can fix every problem you throw at me.
just try.

b is for bed space

its all relative really,
twin, full, queen, king
its enough until theres one more in it
its strange how the body adjusts
halving wholes to accommodate
shared pillows, blankets,
leg room, head room
until all feels right & comfortable.

share your bed enough nights in a row
& your body builds a tolerance
for the way he “purs” on nights he’s just slightly tired,
& snores on nights he’s exhausted.
& your body memorizes
where your side of the bed ends,
& his begins
[spooning only allowed in the first ten minutes before he falls asleep]
& your body conditions
what 5:15am, 5:20am, 5:25am, & 5:30am feels like
because of the blare of your phone’s four alarms you set

you learn to like it
the pattern
the familiarity
the unacknowledged presence felt,
when you fall asleep next to him.

but then theres space
on nights alone.
& you readjust,
tossing & turning,
trying to find that sweet spot of bliss
somewhere in that dead space.

over time,
it reminds you
that you used to sleep best diagonally across the bed
woven between & around your comforter
with all three pillows guarding you.

it reminds you,
that it felt good to have bed space.

artist statement

comatose progress comatose

Comatose charcoal on hot press paper 24″x36″

i have a love-hate relationship with artist statements.  its right up there with resumes, & self-evaluations.  sometimes it seems making the piece was easier to create than that short statement that’s adjacent to your work.  it always feels more like a psychological test than a simple explanation of intent.  youre damned if you over simplify your objective, & youre damned if you dont at least try to convey that there was even a slight fleeting thought that motivated it.  i like to learn from the statement the medium used when installations seem effortless or on the flip-side, incomprehensibly complex.  other times, i read it to verify that what i got out of the work is what the artist intended me to get out of it… but thats the funny thing about art — once its created, it really doesnt matter what you meant to say, because people take it how they want to take it.  they appreciate it, or depreciate it as they see fit.  sometimes i think art can do without the statements entirely, and other times i wish they were more upfront.

my final college body of work was based around this internal struggle i had, about how what i make can be conceived, then perceived, any which way.  i wanted to create images that motivated the viewer to draw on prior experiences, memories, or maybe just their gut, and build a narrative around what they see.  their own biases fill in the gaps.

my work also ventured into role reversal, and playing with tensions either via body language, juxtaposition of figures, or the building up of pigment on the paper.

i suppose what i just wrote could function as an artist statement, and it actually may be a lot better than the ones i submitted for grades along with my art, because its candid.  either way, purging/sharing my struggles and successes will help me in the long run.

– mm.

future reads: a wishlist

prior to ebooks & audiobooks, i used to get excited for trips & camps because of the necessary bookstore run prior.  my mom & i would go to borders & spend hours there looking for books to take with us to make plane rides, & downtime more bearable. i made it a rule to find at least three candidates, because usually one ends up being not as interesting as i first thought.  now that there’s downloadable samples for ebooks, the process of finding books that suit my taste better has become a lot easier (although i do miss my bookstore trips with my mom)

here are a few books that are on my wish list, that i hope to finish by the end of this year, maybe you’ve read a few & can yay/nay my choices, or suggest others i’ve missed :]

the Cuckoo’s Calling  – *Robert Galbraith
murder mystery. not my typical genre, but again, trying out new things here. the main character, detective cormoran strike is hired to investigate the death of a supermodel. most call it suicide, one believes it not.  strike must search through the money, glam, & bullshit that the privileged class revels in, in order to solve the mystery.

if i enjoy this one, i’ll surely download The Silkworm which is book 2 in this series

*better known as J.K. Rowling, this was the first series she wrote after the monumental success of Harry Potter, & she didn’t want the success of one venture to determine the outcome of another, so she wrote under a pseudonym.  however fans, true to their nosy, sneaky selves, found it out soon enough, although according to the reviews, “Robert Galbraith” stands alone as an incredible author, independent from Harry Potter.

The Goldfinch – Donna Tartt
i was drawn to this one because in the plot summary, it describes a boy who lost his mother at an early age, and deals with loss, alienation, and a connection to a painting that reminds him of her, into adulthood. this piece of art is his connection to the underworld of art — something im intrinsically fascinated about. & it doesn’t hurt that its a Pulitzer prize winner too right?

Sand – Hugh Howey
you cant say you didnt see this coming right? if you read my “confessions of a bookworm” post, you’d understand my love for hugh howey.  did you know when he originally started out his series Wool it’s price point was only $0.99 for the ebook novella? his whole self-publishing career is a covet-able success story.  unlike Wool, Sand’s characters function under lawlessness, a polar opposite to the way life in the silos ran, which i think will make for an interesting commentary between the two works.

Glitch – Hugh Howey
sorry sorry, just one more howey books to the list.  its a short story too! only 5,000 words! so who can say no to that?Fight Dirty -CJ Lyons
im about seventy pages into this book (315 total pages), and im feeling 50/50 about it.  it was free with kindle unlimited, so that always helps ease the pain over wasted words, but im just not convinced that i’ll enjoy it enough to finish it.  morgan is a teenage psychopathic killer, who learned her skills from her father, who is now in jail.  in order to resist the urge to kill, she’s seeking therapy from the husband of one of the witnesses in the case against her father, and working under the other witness who owns a new security firm.  the firm’s first client is a couple who sent their problematic teenage daughter into a treatment center called ReNew, and after getting her early release, she committed suicide.  the parents want to sue ReNew for her suicide, but the only way to do that is to get inside the center– which is the challenge morgan must face.

The Light Between Oceans – M.L. Stedman
tom is a war veteran, who seeks a place of solace on janus rock. he becomes a lighthouse keeper, and is isolated on this island with just his wife, isabel.  they struggle to have a child, and after miscarriages and a stillbirth, isabel discover a boat washed up on shore with a dead man and a baby. tom and isabel’s yearning for a child of their own is so profound that it alters tom’s otherwise sound judgment, and they don’t report the missing child.  the family returns to the mainland and discover their decision has affected others in the world as well.
a side note is that this book is being adapted to the big screen under spielberg’s dreamworks.  if the novel is amazing, then i also have the movie to look forward to as well!

let me know if there are others you think i should add to this list, or if you have read any of the aforementioned titles, because i’d love to hear your thoughts on them!  also, if you’d like to hear my reviews of these as i finish them, please let me know as well :]

– mm.