me, in my white gown
beside myself with excitement
to reveal myself,
to give myself away to you
for the first & last time.
you, in your black & white
consumed by distraction
that will ruin the vision,
sets a precedence for our future.
an iPhone game captivates you
more than i ever will.
when i peruse through “first look” wedding day photos,
this is what i see of our own.
i play it over & over in my head
& know i am nullified.
i ask myself why,
if that’s what the cards hold,
im still here.
sometimes,
i’m lucky enough to witness
passengers who instinctively interlock hands
when the engines start to roar
& the exhilaration pumps through
when the metal bird seems to shudder with excitement
it’s all the more adorable when it’s an elderly couple
she’s gazing out the window
he’s flipping through the inflight magazine
& in that same moment they reach blindly for each other
& give the others hand a little squeeze it’s alright, we’re almost there say the fingers to one another.
one’s wrinkles blend into the others
one’s sun spotted skin becomes the others
if I had to leave this earth
trapped in this metal bird
I’d like my body to be found with my fingers entwined with my love’s
just like that.
in the first flush,
i tend to burn brightly
intensely
fiery.
with a ravenous hunger for the new
the unexplored
& just as quickly,
flicker
then fade
into a subdued
glow.
the kind of hushed light
that becomes so small,
so quietly
that one would barely even notice.
like a steady
glowing
nightlight.
a comfort for its presence
but void of any real warmth.
& i can never remember,
at what point i let my flame
become a $1.97 glass Made in China bulb.
Sometimes i wonder if my career will eventually desensitize me to my love of traveling
living day to day in different cities
continents apart
“the world must seem so much smaller to you now huh?” i was asked
“actually, it feels so much bigger. i visit cities i’d never thought i’d want to visit in a lifetime” i replied.
but i think i miss,
the way traveling was a luxury
even an anxiety
before.
the way airports gave me goosebumps
& i would savor the experience,
even down to the prepackaged nuts
because i wouldn’t know when the next time i’d enjoy them would be.
i listen in on pockets of eager early morning conversations in line at the airport Starbucks
lusting over all the excursions they’re going to embark on once they land,
or reminiscing about all the experiences they’ve just had as they head back home.
sometimes i witness the travel bug symptom of guests being extra nice to each other
because they know their prepaid vacation’s outcome hangs in the balance of getting along with their siblings, their seat neighbor, their husband or wife… & no one wants moods soured over something so trivial in the grand scheme of Disneyland, NY Times Square, or some other highly sought destination.
self, dont let this routine take away the wonderment of exploring
remember this.
maybe im just overly dramatic
& am exaggerating this sudden complacency on both ends
but i feel like it was too easy to come to this
& too much to sacrifice to make it work.
you’d need to grant me the moon & the stars
the unconditional love & happiness,
if i were to meet your conditions,
& sign on the dotted line.
but i dont think you will.
i dont think you’re capable of it.
its a lifestyle
its a trade.
the way i see myself living for the rest of my life… for yours.
its a life i dont see for myself.
& i know,
being pushed out of your comfort zone is supposedly a good thing,
but how much should one have to be pushed,
before its no longer even your zone at all?
its a whole other field entirely?
doesn’t too much pushing just make for a pushy partner?
i dont want kids.
at least, i dont think i do.
& i could go into the why’s, & the ways i could work around it…
but in the end, my indecision could cost us this relationship.
i didnt know i had a deadline for figuring my shit out.
at least, i didn’t know i had to work on a timeline other than my own.
you dont know this
& i may never in this lifetime get the opportunity to share this with you
which could either be my solace or my curse
but after seeing you that night,
i went home & searched for my favorite version of this song
& set it on repeat for a month [& counting]
its the soundtrack to me reciting the events of that night..
& being utterly unsuccessful in finding an answer for why im still even reciting the events of that night: except to frame the moments i captured with you
the solution undeniably always comes down to this:
i was captured by you.
i recall listening to the three girls singing this song
but really only being acutely aware of the way you would watch me curiously.
i remember asking for a hug before i left,
& the way you casually offered, “let’s hug it out” & came out from behind the bar.
you asked around if i was seeing anyone after i left,
which only piqued my interest even more to know it was mutual.
these small,
minute details
insignificant in the greater scheme of things
of things i do not know
& perhaps may never find out
but at least i have this song, & in my head I paint a picture
the funny thing about speculating about others’ relationships
is how much it really reveals about your own.
what’s that? he’s not ambitious enough for her?
& misaligned life goals is a deal breaker?
but to admit we see ourselves in their predicament
is to admit we’re just as helpless
& lost
& trapped as they are.
instead we act as impartial observers
secretly hoping that we wont meet their same demise
& i always return to what i know,
& what knows me best.
big changes,
lil’ perspective,
& hopefully,
happier future ahead.
resolutions & any goal shouldn’t have to give way to one another, so im hoping to find a balance in these aspects of my life. & these don’t have a deadline, just a timeline.
1. there is nothing more frustrating than being tasked to teach someone, who refuses to learn.
2. i feel like ive forsaken my team in pursuit of a career.. & i hate that that is the sacrifice i need to make in order to be happy. because really. i couldnt be doing these kinds of hours, with this pay, & this kind of nonexistent support well into my 30s.
3. “luck is the meeting of preparation & opportunity” — & I feel extremely lucky to be getting out when i am..
4. “in everything you do, do it with all your heart” & i intend to. i think this mentality is what’s opened so many doors for me, & has allowed me to be humble in times when arguments of entitlement are so often heard.
5. i am beyond excited to make a change.
I figured i was overdue for another art post. this was done in 2013 for a college art course, with the parameters being to do a piece on a political issue or current event. i chose to focus on fast food chains & the unhealthy living conditions of the animals they use to supply them. i liked playing with transparencies, textures, & most of all… animals. :] hope you like it
earthtomars 