i could be the kind of girl
just along for the ride.
revel in the silence
& await the big reveal.
& if he bows out
before it ever gets to that point in this romantic comedy?
rewrite the script
cast a new leading man.
you still have a movie.
i wish i could be that girl.
more than any other self deprecating thoughts i have–
this one ranks the highest.
but because i can’t
because i’ve tried
again & again
at trying to be her,
can’t we just have a go at me being this one?
& not consider each time i push for answers
to be two steps backward into the abyss of unknowns?
that grey area
where you can’t tell where the horizon is,
the foreground from the background,
or anything in between
is what got me here
in the first place.
this is me
in the middle of a room
with a hundred different paint swatches of grey
laid out around me
holding each one up to the light
to see if it matches the walls.
“is it more of a ‘classic french grey’? … no? how bout an ‘earl grey’? or ‘gauntlet grey’?
cliches are born for a reason
& completely out of character
until someone makes you feel the way
you should’ve always felt about another person
they are the reminder
that if what you feel about him
isnt the stuff of love songs on repeat
or throwing pebbles at a girl’s window kind of grand gesture
its not it.
the magic sauce.
dont settle for your lukewarm feelings
its your heart urging you
to keep lookin’
“I need to know that wherever I end up, in the stars or in the gutter, you’re along for the ride.”
missing people easily isn’t natural for him
& now that i think about it,
it isn’t for me too.
i’ve had boyfriends go on
long family vacations
& they’d have to pull the words out of me
“don’t you miss me yet?” they’d ask.
i’d say it because..
you’re supposed to say it.
but it was usually such a relief to have them away
it told me i could be fine without
which i thought was just because i’m reasonable
just slightly emotionally detached.
but with you,
i may be at the mercy of my feelings
i may fall apart when you leave.
& the ache will be a throbbing never ending feeling
that can’t be satiated with texts
& quick layover visits
& alexa drop-ins
& you’ll think to yourself,
this girl just feels too much
& assume that this is my M.O when people leave me,
but it’s as if my heart just reserved all this,
just for you.
i may not know if this is the forever kind of thing,
but i ask God
that if its in his plan
to please continue to reveal to me
how wonderful you are
each & every day i have the privilege to even look at you
let alone hold your hand.
& if not,
to please be kind,
& grant me the biggest
most painful sign
that i cant help but acknowledge.
tear you away from me,
in the most brutal way
because im too caught up in this
to ever do it myself.
he only dates with intention
he doesnt waste his time with girls
he doesnt see a possible forever with
& thinks ten steps ahead
in those plans
in that practical future
he sees a possibility of us.
im a probability
& i want him to bet on my odds.