kis·met

ˈkizmit,-ˌmet/
noun
noun: kismet
  1. destiny; fate.

i may not know if this is the forever kind of thing,
but i ask God
that if its in his plan
to please continue to reveal to me
how wonderful you are
each & every day i have the privilege to even look at you
let alone hold your hand.

& if not,
to please be kind,
& grant me the biggest
boldest
most painful sign
that i cant help but acknowledge.

basically
tear you away from me,
in the most brutal way
because im too caught up in this
to ever do it myself.

the internet is for

the greatest contradiction about social media,
is everything is eternal
yet fleeting.

once its out there;
it can be screenshot
shared
reposted
or just glimpsed at
by anyone.
by everyone.

but it documents
our transitions
our aging
weight gain
single
in a relationship
its complicated
single
and so on & so forth

the interweb remembers
the stranger who stumbled upon my facebook remembers
the ex stalking my instagram remembers
so maybe i just always wanted less of me… out there.
to be found, to be seen, to be remembered.

those who matter, know.
i dont need social media as my walking bulletin board, i told myself.

but something about you,
makes me want to open all the windows
& shout from every single platform
how crazy about you i am.
in that annoying,
in your face,
probably bold,
all caps,
don’t-fucking-care-who-unfollows-me-after-this kinda way.

you make me feel
incredibly lucky to be with you
& its the first time
i want to share this moment with the world.

chicken or egg?

love thrives where love is rooted in commitment

what came first,
commitment? or trust?

how do i commit to something
that may or may not be real?

how do you trust someone
who you’re not sure can commit to you?

we’re both standing at the airplane door
shivering in anticipation
parachutes neatly folded in our packs
yelling to be heard above the roar of the engine,
urging the other:
“jump first! im right behind you!”

am i the fool for leaping first?

dusk at disney

we sit there, having finished our meal
me pressed to your side, people watching
we quietly observe the tired families who pass us
pushing on to make their time
their money
well spent.
your arm is draped over my shoulder, casually.
im peaceful. im happy.
“are you gonna be devastated when i leave?” he asks,
i pause, holding my breath, pressing my lips hard together to keep from blurting out my truth.
“im really worried about you that’s why…” he says, filling the silence i created, as he leans in to kiss the side of my head.
“i dunnoooo… i mean, what do you think? .. are you going to be? devastated i mean?” i shift away from him so i can turn to see his face.
“yeah, i’ll be a lil’ devastated” he shrugs.
“i just.. i dunno. i don’t do well with change– well no one does i guess. but i’m a creature of habit. i like plans. this will just shift… things. im afraid of the unknown.”
“yeah i know”
“i mean… i could fly mostly Pheonix. i like it. it’s good credit.. and i could visit. but is that what you’d want?”
“yeah of course!”
“but i don’t want you to feel obligated to see me, just because i’m flying there. i don’t want to be an obligation.”
“no. you won’t be.. but you have to understand, studying is studying. that’s a non-negotiable. after those first 9 months of school, i’ll have more flexibility”
“i get that…” i nod slowly, reassuring him of my being on the same page, “yeah. i get it.” i reaffirm, giving a final, concise nod, as if my chin was a firm handshake agreeing to these terms.
i lean back into him as we resume our people watching, letting our words sink in
” i just need you to know though..” i begin, looking down at my lap, “this,” i draw a circle widely with my hand in the space before me, “whatever this is… it’s important to me… you know?” i turn to face him again, to make sure he understands.
my eyes flit acros
the weight.
the power he holds.
his eyes shrink to mischievous slits, “oh? this isnt just fun for you?” he smirks.
i nervously laugh, “no. you know it isn’t. not for me. for you?”
he stops smiling, “no. its not.”
“ok. good.” i nod.

its not ground breaking
but its a start.