5am

me: so you know that song that comes on at around five in the morning when you’re driving me home?
him: what song?
me: the one that goes like… im indifferent.. i just want to break up out of here..
him: *laughs* yeah what about it?
me: i hate that song
him: oh my god. i LOVE that song! i have it on repeat at work

& so on & so forth
its about taste in music
to opinions on gun carrying laws
to private vs public school
to whether or not we should have kids
& everything in between

im just hoping our opposition on the spectrum
will eventually keep us from being at odds
& instead bring us side by side
two conflicting colors
that as additives bring out hues & vividness ordinarily lost
seen alone.

checked out

im kind of not so great at this
im better with the grand fights
& unceremonious burning of letters
& trashing of old boxers, tshirts, socks

but to methodically gather your belongings
after a calm laying out of what ive been contemplating for months
& to both agree to disagree, that we’d be happier as individuals than as a couple
…is a lot harder.

im better at listing
all the petty grievances ive mentally filed over the years
& ingesting a daily dose of it to stay angry
keep my edge
fuel my hate

but to accept this change
& do as grownups do
makes me feel empty.
& so very tired
now comes the anxious waiting
to see if, & how, we navigate this foreign territory
& see who will drop the pretenses of a “good ex” first
we shall see

so what.. you have a significant other?
yup, yup, that i do. we’ve been together since before this whole job transition
oh yeah? & how’s that going for you? you folks good?
yeah! yeah its good!
you do realize your voice went up about two octaves right there right?
yeah.. im trying to work on that.

sometimes i wish lying to myself came easier
so lying to others would be a piece of cake.

wanderlust

i get so lost inside these cities…

I’m definitely an independent explorer

& as advantageous as it is to wander in numbers, I don’t ever feel I can be completely myself & take in each new city with unspoiled eyes.

we’re just not being honest with each other when we’re absorbed in others’ company.

so instead I stick to daylight adventures
& hole up in my room in the evenings

my comfort food has become thai food from whatever the closest 3+ starred restaurant on yelp is.

every layover I’ve had, I find myself indulging in my favorites entrees: spicy eggplant, pad kee maw, or yellow curry with sticky rice.

something about it grounds me.
despite living like the serena van der woodsens of the world
hotel to hotel
with balconies always bearing a different view
of new cities im not yet familiar with

hello there
id like to know you
every season
every shade of you.

updated reads (raves & reviews)

So with my new career developing, ive found a lot of additional time for leisure reading. its definitely an added bonus that i didnt foresee. stiff airport chairs, comfy hotel beds, anywhere i get the chance to kill a few hours by reading, i seize it. that being said, this is why i have a fresher list of books ive thoroughly enjoyed & books id rather not have paid good money for. i hope you find this list helpful if not amusing!

Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 1.58.21 AMThe Cuckoo’s Calling & The Silkworm – Rolbert Galbraith (aka JK Rowling)
So i reluctantly finished The Cuckoo’s Calling expecting the enrapturing way JK Rowling wrote The Harry Potter series, however either murder mystery really isnt my cup of tea, or she just isnt convincingly able to enthrall me in the heated pursuit of murder suspects. not to say i dont enjoy the plot, but i find myself more disenchanted with how difficult it is to follow each character’s motives & whereabouts when i dont feel they’re developed enough for me to fully care. im more interested in racing to the end just to know whodunnit as opposed to stringing together clues & hunches on my own & seeing if my gut is correct at the end. when i was little i loved The Boxcar Children series by Gertrude C. Warner & occasionally read Nancy Drew books as well. sure the amount of violence is PG13 and nowhere near as gory as JK Rowling’s novels, but at least the characters kept me guessing. I bought The Silkworm & finished it in hopes of Rowling being able to win me over the way i was devoted to her wizarding tales, but it just wasn’t so. she has the third installment of this Cormoran Strike series to be released October 20th this year, but i dont intend on wasting my time. fooled me once, shame on you, fooled me twice shame on me. fool me thrice.. & im an idiot who doesnt learn to spend my money more wisely.

10% Happier – Dan Harris
In the preface, Harris openly admits to almost naming his book, “The voice in my head is an asshole.” That itself was the clincher. After seeing YouTube guru Kalelkitten rave about this book, I thought what’s the harm? Im not easily convinced into reading self-help books or anything of that nature, although my bf is pro any “posi-vibe” reading, & get rich smarter type genres, i usually steer far away from that entire section of the bookstore. reading is supposed to be fun, & take me to other realms, not be a debbie downer about how i spend my money inappropriately & am going to be unable to retire until im in my grave with the way i shop. however, this book has convinced me that there is hope for the self-help genre. it just has to be written by a smart, funny, sarcastic author for me to like it. the tiresome repetition of books like The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman, The Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, & Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki (yes.. i caved & tried some of my bf’s suggestions) isnt present in 10% Happier. i hate how tedious step programs can be, & how annoying chapters on counseling this couple or that couple lead to this result, even if the factors differ from my own. 10% Happier gives you a very real, honest, candid perspective on how much happier taming the inner voice we all have really can make you — which ultimately he claims is only by 10%. Harris takes on the challenge of understanding various cultural norms to be at peace with himself, & eventually finds a balance within his life. this book single handedly convinced me to sign up for yoga classes & work on inner self-loathing. there’s no preachy “this is how you should achieve happiness” message, & instead just a narrative in which you follow Harris’ personal journey to enlightenment.

Glitch – Hugh Howey
Howey has quickly made it to one of my favorite authors. any book i see with his name on it that i havent read, i’ll purchase without hesitation. Glitch is a short story & sadly too quick of a read, and my only qualm (which is not truly a negative mark at all) is that i always end up wanting more. Robots who begin to show signs of having a mind of their own? Acting independently of what we program them to do? Sounds very movie-esque but no one quite writes like Howey does to pull it off quite so well.

The Farseer Trilogy – Robin Hobb
So im verrry late to the party on this — but its a good thing. for if i had found Hobb earlier, id be stuck like i am with George R.R. Martin, with no end in sight to his series.  Hobb has a good 6 trilogies under her belt, so although ive completed the first one, & am steadily making my way through the second, im hoping i can savor her novels enough so that i never catch up to the point where she’s still writing, & im still waiting. the best way i can describe Hobb’s books is if Harry Potter & Game of Thrones had a baby. but its a cute baby. it got all the best traits of both series. it has the magical elements of Harry Potter, but the time frame & characters are very reminiscent of Game of Thrones.  What i found frustrating about Game of Thrones was how quickly Martin threw in so many important characters, & it was hard to keep track of alliances & names — not so in Hobb’s.  Now i can only hope that HBO doesn’t find this old treasure & ruin it into tv oblivion.

I am currently reading The Goldfinch by Donna Tart, the second trilogy set, Liveship Traders Trilogy by Robin Hobb, & started but didnt complete Sand by Hugh Howey (i put it on pause because at the time i wasnt devoting it the full amount of attention it deserved).  I also finished Fight Dirty by CJ Lyons but it was so “meh” that it wasnt even worth truly reviewing, & The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman is still on my must read list. im also so happy that All The Light We Cannot See is getting widely known & duly recognized.  At least twice a week i’ll see a guest with that book in tow & i wont hesitate to praise Anthony Doerr’s writing to high heavens. Lemme know in the comments if there’s any novels i should add to my short queue :]

– mm.

it probably doesn’t bode well for us,
if im excited to see you leave for two weeks
so that i may enjoy my time to myself

not to philander & experiment
but to indulge in a schedule not based around someone other than mine for a change
to fall asleep stretched out in my own bed & not be scolded for extending over “my half”
to hang out with my brothers, reveling in drunken karaoke, & not feel guilty or ashamed for having “unusual” pasttimes

maybe i just dont like to share
maybe i just dont like not having control
maybe i just need to follow this urge
to see if my own extended vacation
from you
is best for both of us.

trenches

shhhh

lets let it go unspoken
because the timid poking & prodding
prefaced with, “i dont want this to turn into an argument”

never prevents it from turning into one nonetheless.
or into subdued silence.
the latter at least plays decoy for the argument raging on in my head
& the voice cast as you at least commits to listening
& reasoning
& compromising.. a little.
lets be real here. its still you
just my imagined, toned down version of you.

hushhh

because id rather reluctantly come to terms on my own
with the fact that anything you say you’ll try to do,
or hope to do,
to assuage my anger
will only deal me unbidden disappointment in the future.

no, id rather not.
so instead i’ll seek solace in the quiet foxhole we’ve dug ourselves into
out of the direct line of fire
but not out of the war.

i was your first
so its understandable
that mistakes were made
i’ll be the first to admit that.

but here is what you should know
for the next one who you let in:

1. don’t grip so hard
2. words are cheap. use your actions.
3. sometimes a bad day is just that. don’t take her misfortunes to be caused by you. (unless they are: in that case.. refer to tip #2)
4. a good listener > a good cheerleader

drugged

“so how are you two anyway?”

“well, i think we’ve reached that point where we know each other well enough to not push the others buttons…
but we’ve also reached the point where we know each other well enough to know what makes the other happy.. & we’re not going out of our way to do so.”

complacency must be the drug
responsible for slowing the blood flow to the heart
& thinning the oxygen to the brain
which if not induced in such a state,
there would be internal sirens firing off
Get out! Escape! Leave now!

i saw a guy in scrubs waiting at the stop light
& i wondered,
had you not been denied residency here,
whether that would be you,
waiting to cross the street
hurrying home to cook me quinoa kimchi fried rice
& a big bowl of salad (extra croutons).
id have a to go container of broth from work,
because all you need for sustenance is soup,
shave ice,
& a smile from yours truly.

how different it would be,
how distant we’d be
to the idea of distance.
funny, huh?

how little translates.
note to both:
if ever
be better
next time.