Tag: words

trenches

shhhh

lets let it go unspoken
because the timid poking & prodding
prefaced with, “i dont want this to turn into an argument”

never prevents it from turning into one nonetheless.
or into subdued silence.
the latter at least plays decoy for the argument raging on in my head
& the voice cast as you at least commits to listening
& reasoning
& compromising.. a little.
lets be real here. its still you
just my imagined, toned down version of you.

hushhh

because id rather reluctantly come to terms on my own
with the fact that anything you say you’ll try to do,
or hope to do,
to assuage my anger
will only deal me unbidden disappointment in the future.

no, id rather not.
so instead i’ll seek solace in the quiet foxhole we’ve dug ourselves into
out of the direct line of fire
but not out of the war.

in the first flush,
i tend to burn brightly
intensely
fiery.
with a ravenous hunger for the new
the unexplored
& just as quickly,
flicker
then fade
into a subdued
glow.
the kind of hushed light
that becomes so small,
so quietly
that one would barely even notice.
like a steady
glowing
nightlight.
a comfort for its presence
but void of any real warmth.

& i can never remember,
at what point i let my flame
become a $1.97 glass Made in China bulb.

40,000ft in the air

Sometimes i wonder if my career will eventually desensitize me to my love of traveling
living day to day in different cities
continents apart
“the world must seem so much smaller to you now huh?” i was asked
“actually, it feels so much bigger. i visit cities i’d never thought i’d want to visit in a lifetime” i replied.
but i think i miss,
the way traveling was a luxury
even an anxiety
before.
the way airports gave me goosebumps
& i would savor the experience,
even down to the prepackaged nuts
because i wouldn’t know when the next time i’d enjoy them would be.
i listen in on pockets of eager early morning conversations in line at the airport Starbucks
lusting over all the excursions they’re going to embark on once they land,
or reminiscing about all the experiences they’ve just had as they head back home.
sometimes i witness the travel bug symptom of guests being extra nice to each other
because they know their prepaid vacation’s outcome hangs in the balance of getting along with their siblings, their seat neighbor, their husband or wife… & no one wants moods soured over something so trivial in the grand scheme of Disneyland, NY Times Square, or some other highly sought destination.

self, dont let this routine take away the wonderment of exploring
remember this.

– mm.

motive

having a mutual enemy
makes us mutual friends
don’t you see? she asks.
although i swear months before,
i was the enemy she spoke of.
we are not mutually exclusive to who we detest
& we can join, & disband any campaign of our choosing

the difference is,
i was not your friend,
so it was ok to wrong me.
she, in fact, was your friend,
so her wrong doings are unforgivable.
& although she hasn’t,
in true form, “wronged” me.. you’d like an accomplice.
someone to balance out the bully in you
someone to bear the burden of blame when she wakes up to this all.

what petty wars wage
over such unworthy men.

take two.

some additions to the ever-growing list of learned:
1. unforeseen job stress = the quickest, & unhealthiest way to lose weight fast (not recommended)

2. your true friends will rise to the occasion, & carry you home in shambles on nights you’re so defeated that you don’t know how to piece your confidence back together.. & never hold it against you

3. sometimes people need that cheesy, corny, confidence boosting pep-talk… because it feels good to hear that someone out there believes in you; & vice versa. i find myself scrolling slower over those inspirational quotes that people post on instagram & having one of those, “oh my god. it gets me!” moments.

4. SAMs club is like that high school club that you never really wanted to join, but did so to see more of that hot guy who joined. only.. all the other club members are elderly cart-wheeling people who are easily distracted by free bite-sized samples. in this metaphor .. there really is no hot guy reward.

more to come.
im not down for the count yet.

you call me the pessimist
the eternal realist
& wish i knew how to dream
& breathe optimism into the doubt i hold so dear & near to me

but then i think of the times
when i was floating
elated
hoping for things i know seemed intangible
silly even
but would it have killed you to have believed in me then?
if not the dream,
at least in me,
the dreamer
who you claim has never been
nor ever will be.

but i swear,
every death
every departed essence of someone
had a reason
for being, & then.. not being.
sometimes its easier to forget the motive
& just deal with the results.