the future freaks me out

maybe im just overly dramatic
& am exaggerating this sudden complacency on both ends
but i feel like it was too easy to come to this
& too much to sacrifice to make it work.

you’d need to grant me the moon & the stars
the unconditional love & happiness,
if i were to meet your conditions,
& sign on the dotted line.
but i dont think you will.
i dont think you’re capable of it.
its a lifestyle
its a trade.
the way i see myself living for the rest of my life… for yours.
its a life i dont see for myself.

& i know,
being pushed out of your comfort zone is supposedly a good thing,
but how much should one have to be pushed,
before its no longer even your zone at all?
its a whole other field entirely?
doesn’t too much pushing just make for a pushy partner?

i dont want kids.
at least, i dont think i do.
& i could go into the why’s, & the ways i could work around it…
but in the end, my indecision could cost us this relationship.
i didnt know i had a deadline for figuring my shit out.
at least, i didn’t know i had to work on a timeline other than my own.

hapless hiatus

& i always return to what i know,
& what knows me best.
big changes,
lil’ perspective,
& hopefully,
happier future ahead.

resolutions

resolutions & any goal shouldn’t have to give way to one another, so im hoping to find a balance in these aspects of my life. & these don’t have a deadline, just a timeline.

– mm.

motive

having a mutual enemy
makes us mutual friends
don’t you see? she asks.
although i swear months before,
i was the enemy she spoke of.
we are not mutually exclusive to who we detest
& we can join, & disband any campaign of our choosing

the difference is,
i was not your friend,
so it was ok to wrong me.
she, in fact, was your friend,
so her wrong doings are unforgivable.
& although she hasn’t,
in true form, “wronged” me.. you’d like an accomplice.
someone to balance out the bully in you
someone to bear the burden of blame when she wakes up to this all.

what petty wars wage
over such unworthy men.

take two.

some additions to the ever-growing list of learned:
1. unforeseen job stress = the quickest, & unhealthiest way to lose weight fast (not recommended)

2. your true friends will rise to the occasion, & carry you home in shambles on nights you’re so defeated that you don’t know how to piece your confidence back together.. & never hold it against you

3. sometimes people need that cheesy, corny, confidence boosting pep-talk… because it feels good to hear that someone out there believes in you; & vice versa. i find myself scrolling slower over those inspirational quotes that people post on instagram & having one of those, “oh my god. it gets me!” moments.

4. SAMs club is like that high school club that you never really wanted to join, but did so to see more of that hot guy who joined. only.. all the other club members are elderly cart-wheeling people who are easily distracted by free bite-sized samples. in this metaphor .. there really is no hot guy reward.

more to come.
im not down for the count yet.

unraveling

“It just didn’t seem like she wanted to share a life with him is all…

This part.  The conclusion. Lacking in so many details left out of a half-lived story, is what keeps me up at night.  that seam you keep thumbing over in your favorite jacket pocket that you wish you could just cut out but you know you run the risk of carelessly undoing the stitching. it’s a flaw. you know it’s a flaw. but you can’t part with it, because it’s a part of a bigger, greater, whole.

finances. not sharing incomes. i get it, people get funny when it comes to money. but like all other things in a relationship, you eventually learn to become comfortable with it right? like farting around one another, or confiding in one another about that one odd cousin you just wish would learn some table manners.  but if im perfectly fine keeping what’s mine as my own, and yours as yours, & not asking for loans from the bank of You, and vice versa.. and we take turns buying the groceries and splitting the electricity bill.. how is that not sharing?

the more scary, resounding truth for me, is not that the argument is about finances. but more, that two people, who are “ready” to spend their life together, can still have such disjointed views on what it means to “share a life together.”  people go through the motions, sharing what they believe, in checking off the boxes of what they are, aren’t, try to be, don’t want to be, but when it comes down to that grand scale of weighing out who’s giving, who’s taking, who’s getting enough, and who still needs more …  can someone really be in the wrong?

i have this thing about support and time. so the other stuff, the shared finances, the romantic gestures, the monetary gifts, are all minimal to me because i need someone to be my rock– sometimes when it’s not the most convenient for them.  maybe its a barter system in my head. i forgo-ed those, so let me have this. maybe its unfair. but ive never been in a relationship before, where what i gave in exchange for needing my other half in that way, wasn’t enough.. or unfair.

until this, i’ve never had to reason out why what i know to be a true way to win my heart, is important.. and why it should stay. or convince someone that i know what’s best for me, & no it doesn’t need more understanding on my part, or flexibility, when majority of the time i’m ok playing backseat to your other plans, your future, being your cheerleader to your successes & your ear to your failures (although there are few. see how much i look up to you?) i take a lot of energy, & a lot of talking myself out of my corners of defeat & off ledges of what i make out to be insurmountable fears.. but ive never been afraid of disclaiming that early on, so that anyone who doesn’t have the patience, or tolerance, can walk away risk free.

Maya Angelou once told Oprah, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” 

i feel…
like.
sometimes we stand on uneven playing fields.
& you see that we are
but i dont.
& you’re telling me to share,
play fair,
do it like you do.
& for the life of me,
i cant seem to get the coordination,
the gravity of the situation,
to get me to you.

month-old-manager’s memorandum

IMG_6424

a few things i have learned over my first 30 days:

  1. i am not superwoman
  2. positivity is infectious.. but sometimes coming up with that positive energy when there’s no one to first be infected by.. is the problem.
  3. “every. day. is. a. new. challenge.” can be both a way of overcoming the day at hand.. or dooming the next. haven’t quite decided which is truer.
  4. i have a bad habit of putting blind faith in leaders, only to become disappointed soon after when i learn firsthand of the exaggerations they’ve told, or see how thickly they’ve glossed over the truth.  i should trade that with how i approach my love life & i’d be set.
  5. my parents make the best sounding board. ever. hands down.

cheers to month two.

you call me the pessimist
the eternal realist
& wish i knew how to dream
& breathe optimism into the doubt i hold so dear & near to me

but then i think of the times
when i was floating
elated
hoping for things i know seemed intangible
silly even
but would it have killed you to have believed in me then?
if not the dream,
at least in me,
the dreamer
who you claim has never been
nor ever will be.

but i swear,
every death
every departed essence of someone
had a reason
for being, & then.. not being.
sometimes its easier to forget the motive
& just deal with the results.

b is for bed space

its all relative really,
twin, full, queen, king
its enough until theres one more in it
its strange how the body adjusts
halving wholes to accommodate
shared pillows, blankets,
leg room, head room
until all feels right & comfortable.

share your bed enough nights in a row
& your body builds a tolerance
for the way he “purs” on nights he’s just slightly tired,
& snores on nights he’s exhausted.
& your body memorizes
where your side of the bed ends,
& his begins
[spooning only allowed in the first ten minutes before he falls asleep]
& your body conditions
what 5:15am, 5:20am, 5:25am, & 5:30am feels like
because of the blare of your phone’s four alarms you set

you learn to like it
the pattern
the familiarity
the unacknowledged presence felt,
when you fall asleep next to him.

but then theres space
on nights alone.
& you readjust,
tossing & turning,
trying to find that sweet spot of bliss
somewhere in that dead space.

over time,
it reminds you
that you used to sleep best diagonally across the bed
woven between & around your comforter
with all three pillows guarding you.

it reminds you,
that it felt good to have bed space.